Black Wolves!

I hope that by sharing my story, I can show that there is hope and that it is possible to achieve amazing things, even when living with depression!

I have two black wolves!  Sometimes though I only have one! But once I see him, I know the other one will shortly follow. I don’t always have the black wolves with me. Some days I feel completely weightless, like I’m not carrying a burden. I’m so used to the black wolves being around. I feel guilty not having them. Sometimes I worry if they are not with me they are with someone else. But when they are there I want them to leave. I wish they would die and never return. But they can not be killed.

The black wolves names are depression and anxiety. You never know when they are going to come back to their master. Although I am their master I have no control over them. They are constantly howling, Confusing me. I can’t think with them howling so loudly. They sit on my chest causing pain, and breathlessness! The shame of owning these black wolves is real. You feel like they are a sign of weakness. You don’t want anyone knowing you have these black wolves. Especially wolves you can’t control. When you see friends, you put the music on loud, so they can’t hear the black wolves. You pull the curtain so they can’t see the black wolves! You’re so busy worrying about people seeing the black wolves, so worried the wolves will escape and bite someone that you give up trying. You isolate yourself, wanting to be alone with them.

The wolves soon take over everything in your life. They take up all your time. People who come over, you push away because you don’t want them to see the real side of you, the pain and shame you are feeling. If people see the wolves get defensive. You reassure people that “that they are OK” and “I have them trained and under control”. But you (alone) can never get control over them.  

All the things you used to enjoy are now pointless. The wolves distract you and ruin everything surrounding you. You don’t want anyone to be affected by you having the wolves. This is why you hide. When you finally admit to yourself that you need to get a trainer to help train the black wolves, they leave. You think the worst is over. They won’t come back. But (for me) they always come back. They can come back at any time and who knows, the wolves maybe bigger and more viscous next time.

Some days I just want to end it all, I have seriously thought about and came close once! Luckily I came to my senses !I just want to have a day without the black wolves, or a day when I can fully control them. I am glad to say my Amy’s with them are far inbetween now, because everyday it is getting better, and I am beginning to see a better life without wolves!

​Never forget that you are special, you are unique, you cannot be replaced! Take the time you need to not be okay! Cry, scream, pout, and shout! But don’t live there for long! Let it out, but remember you are the reason someone smiles! You are the world to somebody! Never give up and give in to the darkness!

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