Missing….

Ever wake up missing part of your life? Longing to have it back? That’s how I’m feeling right now! It’s very sad to think about it!

I seriously never thought I would wake up sick and never get better! I never bought I would wish I could go back to work! I never thought I would wish I could clean the house, or mow the lawn, rake the leaves, do any of those household chore everyone hates so much! Work all those hours everyone hates so much!

Yes, when I got just about 7 years ago I was in a lot pain and felt awful, and it slowed me down quite a bit, it I was able to keep going. I thought I was going to stay like that for a long time. Little did I know that in a short time, my life would change so much. This wretched illness has stolen so much from me, that I so badly wish I could get back. Let’s add it all up shall we!

Friends! I have lost so many friends! Well, I call them friends, some ,y’all say they weren’t, they were there because I did so much for them, but I enjoyed doing things for other people, it’s what I did! It made the, happy, therefore I was happy! So they counted as friends in my book! But, when I couldn’t do those things anymore, they got mad. When I needed them, most weren’t there! There were some that stuck around, the true friends, that’s what counts, but still it hurt that the rest gave up on me!

Strength! Oy! Going from lifting anything and doing everything to not being able to lift a gallon of milk is unbelievable! Sometimes not even having the strength to lift my arms is a very hard thing to have to deal with, almost unbearable.

Independence! I was always very independent. Could and wanted to be doing everything myself. If I could it myself, I would learn how to and do it myself next time. To having to suddenly have to depend on others for the simplest of tasks was the hardest thing to deal with. I hated it so much, and still do sometimes even with a few years of learning how to have others help me. But these days I need assistance to walk sometimes, I can no longer drive or work.

Memory and comprehension! I love to read! I used to read a lot, I can no longer read. I wish I could. I can now sit there and read the same lines over and over and not understand what I read, it’s sad. You make me think and talk too much my brain starts to hurt and I won’t remember what I have said! I forget things I do daily, even while I’m in the middle of doing these things!

My job! This illness has taken two jobs from me! The first one I didn’t even care about, that place was so hateful! But the last one was my most favorite job. I actually loved working there. But due to my illness progressing I was unable to continue working there. I am currently fighting for disability!

Mobility! Man, this one is though sometimes. Not being able to walk good. Finally having to breaking down and buy a can and walker at the age of 39! Not cool! And on bad days, or moments, hours, not being able to move my legs at all! I said bad days, but honestly these episodes happen when ever they feel like it. I thought I had it figured out when it was going to happen, but nope, it’s happening now as I type this out! Oy, seriously!

Emotions! I don’t like to cry! There is nothing wrong with crying, I just don’t like to do it! Since I got sick, I have become more and more emotional! It’s awful. I have become more and more depressed. I literally cry over everything. The weirdest commercial, stupidest video, song, movie, word, ect, I will cry! I hate it! Sometimes I will be laughing and happy and then all of a sudden I will start crying for no reason. Getting weird looks in the middle of shopping because I can’t control my emotions anymore! Ridiculous!

Fear! I never was afraid of anything bedsides spiders. Gaaah, those things are nasty. I could always sense someone coming up behind me. I knew they were there, nobody could sneak up me. I never jumped. Now I jump at everything. Everything scares me. I used to love being alone. Now I hate being alone. I sometimes still think I want to be alone, but then when it happens I sometimes freak out. I don’t like it. I don’t like being afraid. I don’t know what I think will happen, but I am afraid of everything now. I don’t know what my life is going to be like anymore from day to day!

All I can say is don’t take anything in life for granted, it can be all taken away at any moment!

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