I feel like a spare tire! You know the one that’s tucked away In the truck of your car or underneath it or on the back of it! Wherever it may be that’s what I feel like. You rarely need it, but it’s always there just in case. I mean I’m not writing this for pity or anything like that, just that sometimes I don’t feel I have a real purpose! I can’t drive or work or even do a lot of fun normal life things. I can’t do major house cleaning or repair work. I can’t get up and run around or go shopping or help others with big things. I’m just there in the background watching and listening to everything and everyone around me. Since I can’t project my voice well I am often ignored and overlooked. It’s not really anyone’s fault because if they can’t hear me talk they won’t be able to listen.
They don’t really mean to ignore me. I get so tired of just watching and listening to life happen. I feel so useless most of the time because I can’t do all the things that I used to do, and that was pretty much everything! It really bothers me sometimes when I hear of everything to do, the things that I took for granted before I got sick. You know like work, friends, spare time, cleaning and organizing, driving, and working towards a big goal.
It makes me sad when I remember what my life used to be like and is like now. I won’t ever have a house of my own to fix up and enjoy! I won’t ever be the main beneficiary of anything as I can not take care of myself. I am stuck being dependent on others, having to ask for rides if I want to go someplace, even something as simple as opening a jar or walking up stairs. They don’t really like to leave me alone, so I’m asked to come along and even if it’s getting together with family I feel like the odd one out, just along for the ride, and to listen to them all talk. I can’t contribute in most things anymore because of the horrid illness and not being able to work! I’m just here taking up space needing a little air once in a while just to stay right incase I’m needed at some point like that spare tire! Just make sure you check on me once in a while to make sure I didn’t fall out and roll away!