Failure

Ever sit back and think “what the heck am I working towards?” Or “why am I such a failure at life?” I’m sure that everyone has at one point in their lives. That’s how I’m feeling right now.

I feel like anything that I’ve wanted for myself just isn’t going to happen. It’s like I’ve reached for the stars and forgot to stabilize my ladder. Everything I’ve wanted to accomplish is no longer a dream of mine. All I aspired to be is gone. It is like my garden was growing wonderfully just to be eaten by a bunch of bunnies and it’s refuses to grow again.

Now I always say that you are never to old for a new dream or to accomplish your goals, but what happens when it seems like everything around you is caving in you and you forgot your shovel or rope to pull you out? All these attacks and my shield is wearing thin like it will break at any moment.

I feel like I’ve had so many failures in my life that I don’t know if I will ever see the bright side of it. I keep searching for it, but it never shows up. Maybe, just maybe it’s truly there and I have just forgotten to take off my sunglasses. It doesn’t help that 8 years ago as you know I was gifted a very painful chronic illness that has set me back so much. It feels like I am learning to talk and walk all over again with all the crap that this illness brings. It has taken my independence and so much more away from me.

There really are plenty of things that are going right in my life. I have a supportive family. I am upright and sniffing the air, that always makes for a good day. I have my fur babies, who I would be lost without them. I have been successfully breathing for all these years, even if it did take breathing therapy to help , it’s still a major accomplishment. But in all seriousness, there is a grand canyon sized hole that’s is missing in my life.

I have to continue to have faith that all this dirt caving in on me will eventually stop and I will be able to climb my way out of this hole. I know I will keep getting up no matter how many times I have been knocked down, but it’s never easy to stay positive through all this.

I don’t know how many more breaths I get to take in this life, but I do know that as long as I am breathing I’ve got a chance to make the necessary changes.

What do I really want out of life? I am honestly not sure at this time, besides being able to care for myself and be independent. That’s possibly part of the problem, because no matter what I worked so hard for, it kept getting taken away. This doesn’t do good for a person’s positivity or best outlook on life.

I wake each day in fear of another boulder being thrown down on me, and that’s not a good way to live, but in all honesty that’s not easy thing to get over.

Am I a failure at life? No, because I am still alive and breathing. I haven’t failed at everything as I am still fighting and pushing through it all. Nobody is born a champion or a legend. Everyone always asks you what you want to be when you grow up and I seriously didn’t really know what I wanted to be in life besides successful until later in life. I have always been passionate about helping people. I am so good at listening and seeing both sides of every story, even without knowing everyone involved. Sadly I didn’t have a right support system, so I let that stop me from pursuing my dreams.

Unfortunately these days I have this illness to thank for not pursuing them as I can not comprehend things fully like I used to be able to. I don’t let this fully stop me as I am doing the best I can with what I can do. Sad thing is I am very good at being everyone else’s cheerleader, but never my own, and that is something that I know will never change.

In the end as difficult as life gets there is always always something to be thankful for. There is a reason we are all here in this world, but sometimes it takes us a while to figure that out! I truly know that there is someone out there so,happy just knowing that I exist. I know that no matter what is thrown at me that I will continue to fight and get up each day and reach for the stars, right after I stabilize my ladder.

Never give up, we need and love you! 😘

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