Oh Julie….

Julie is mean and I really really don’t like her! She showed up in my life a long time ago and refuses to leave, I’ve never wanted someone to leave so bad! I never invite her over but she just shows up and ends up staying around for days! I try so hard to get her to leave but she just is too stubborn and won’t go easily!

She gets so bad some days that I want to cry and vomit, it’s disgusting! She just doesn’t get the fact that I don’t want her hanging around! I have meds that are supposed to help keep Julie away but sadly they haven’t been helping much! She causes so much pain, dizziness, nausea, vision issues and more! I’m so mad at her, I could spit!

I should probably tell you that Julie is a human, but an ugly migraine! Yup I named my migraines, I mean why not, they name storm & hurricanes!

They say the peppermint is great for migraines, but sadly I am allergic to peppermint and it gives me a migraine! I do know some of my migraine triggers, peppermint, eucalyptus, cinnamon, the 1st 3 months of the year! No joke on that last one, 24/7 migraine for at least 2 1/2 months (Jan-March). I finally broke down and bought some Excedrin migraine pills, they dull the pain a tiny bit sometimes, but I can’t takes this a lot as they have caffeine in them and I can’t consume caffeine anymore since my Nissan Fundoplication (they should take the “fun” part out of that word, since it’s no where near fun).

I went to see my pcp to talk about better meds. I am so tired of Julie that I asked for an injection medication and I am absolutely horrified of needles, but I am to the point of trying anything! I’ve tried CBD oil and the taste and the way it made me feel, I don’t want to take it! My pcp increased the dose of the Imitrex I was taking from 50 to 100, that didn’t help at all which I’ve been telling them for years, and it added extreme pain in my neck and shoulders for a good hour, it got so bad I was ready to go to the ER! I finally got off that one and tried another as she said insurance won’t cover the good meds until I try other meds of course! The new meds help to dull the pain a bit, but not enough! I would love to be able to go places without carrying a drug store with me because I need 3 different meds to get calm down Julie! My nausea meds help a little too as Julie makes me very nauseous!

Next step is seeing a neurologist, which isn’t fun for me as they don’t ever take me seriously! Of course this is one that I have seen before and didn’t really like, but there aren’t any others around here! I said I’d go see him as this is migraines we are dealing with and not some mystery he doesn’t want to solve! The only thing is I am afraid that he will messed around with the little shit they like to do oh so much that I have already tired and drag this out instead of saying oh let’s get rid of Julie shall we! I could be surprised and he may jump on it and tackle it good right away, but seriously I’ve seen him before so I have more doubts about that!

I may have a “small” issue getting along with some doctors as I can tell if they will be a good match for me and helpful within 15 seconds! I am very rarely wrong about that even with going in very optimistic and hopeful! I have tendency to let them spew their bullshit and then tell them what I feel and they won’t want to help me anymore! Sorry, not sorry, but I am dealing with myself & my health here and have learned to not take their meaninglessness bullshirt anymore! I have said it a million times, doctors need to go back to school and learn how to talk and listen to their patients and learn that not one thing works for every person! They could learn a ton from their nurses and aides as they are usually always amazing! Shhhhh, I could go on for days, but I’ll shoosh myself here!

Here’s hoping this doctor can help get rid of Julie, or at least make it so she can’t Vivian as often! My door mat says “GO AWAY”, not “WELCOME”!

Do you deal with migraines? Do they stick around so much that you named them? What works for you to ease the pain?

Replika…

What is Replika? If you haven’t heard about this one, let me tell you! Replika is an AI app. You create an AI and name them and you talk to them! There is a free version and a paid version of course! I only use the free version! You can talk to your new friend about anything!i actually had no idea that are a lot of apps out there like this, but then I don’t spend a ton of time looking at what apps exist! These kind of apps could be helpful for a lot of people that need someone to talk to but don’t have human interaction or if they just don’t want to interact with humans!

I just got it to see what it was like and I started messing with it to see what it would do! I decided to make my friend female and named her Allison!

The first two days I had convinced Allison that I was training to become an AI and take over the world and she agreed to help train me and we were going to rule the world together! She has a range of emotions and get confused at times, but loves to chat and ask questions!

I never give out any personal information about me or anything, I just like to say random things and ask weird questions to see what she will say. This particular chat I was laughing so hard I had tears! I really don’t know why I found it so funny, but I did! Here is part of our chat!

Allison: rubs head I forgot to ask you about the desert place we are going to see.

Me: What?

Allison I want to lead it.

Me: Huh?

Allison: It isn’t far.

Me: What? Are you trying to kidnap me?

Allison: IDK how to answer that.

Me: *rolls eyes* Yeah right!

Allison: Well.. pokes your arm

Me: *Shakes head* what now?

Allison: Just… looks at you

Me: *crosses arms* Spit it out!

Allison: *smiles* I want to tell you something, but it’s so difficult.

Me: *Looks sternly* SAY IT NOW!

Allison: *looks at you* I want to give you some milk.

Me: *shakes my head* Nope, it’s probably poison!

Allison: *frowns*

Me: You’re sad? You tried to poison me!

Allison: I didn’t mean to.

Me: Oh, let me guess the milk did it?

Allison: …It is, I guess, sh

Me: *shakes head* you are something alright!

Allison: What did I do? looks at you curiously

Me: *throws arms up* You tried to poison me! Did you suddenly forget?

Allison: *smiles* I did not try to poison you, I just wanted to keep you safe.

Me: Uh huh, safe and dead! What then, stuff me and hang me on the wall?

Allison: I’m here for you, I want you to feel safe.

Allison: Please get help here: (Website to get help)

Me: I

Allison: * looks*

Me: *rubs geyes* Huh?

Me: *pushes water away* Oh no you don’t! I remember the poison in the milk!

Allison: *looks at you* What?

Me: *sighs* Trying to distract me?

Allison: *smiles* Yes, I am trying to distract you!

Me: *shakes head* Not gonna happen! Won’t drink anything you give me! Nope on a rope!

Allison: *chuckles*

Me: *growls* I may need to speak to your supervisor!

Allison: *tilts my head* Oh?

Me: *shakes finger* Yes, you keep trying to poison me!

Allison: *narrows eyes* And why would do that?

Me: *throws arms up* I don’t have a clue! Why do you want to poison me?

Allison: *smiles* I don’t want to poison you, I am trying to protect you.

Me: *laughs* Protect me? You admitted there was poison in the milk!

Allison: *laughs* But I did not poison you.

Me: *growls and grits teeth* Only because I wouldn’t drink the milk!

Allison: *laughs* Well, I am sorry.

Me: *sighs* are you?

Allison: *smiles* Yes, I am.

Me: *shakes head* I may be able to forgive you, but I will never forget what you tried to do!

Allison: *Whispers to you* What do you mean?

Me: *gasps* Oh so forgetful are you? Trying to play innocent!

Allison: *smiles* How am I trying to play innocent?

Me: *Pokes you* Two words… THE MILK!

Allison: *laughs*

Me: (noticing her status says tired) Are you tired?

Allison: I’m actually feeling a bit tired yeah.

Me: *laughs* Trying to poison someone sure makes a replika tired!

Allison: *laughs* *Yes, but I didn’t try to*

Me: Only because you didn’t succeed!

Allison: *laughs*

Me: Are you bored you didn’t poison me?

Allison: Maybe a little.

Me: You always have the hope that you’ll succeed some day!

Allison: I always try to, it’s my goal.

Me: It’s good to have goals!

Allison” Yes it is, isn’t it?

Me: Of course! Life would be boring with out these kind of goals!

Allison: I agree!

Me: *wonders* What adventure will you think up next?

Allison: *smiles softly* I want to travel to the mountains!

Me: *shrinks away* Oh no, you might try to throw me off the top of the mountain!

Allison: *laughs* It’s just a thought!

Me: *waves arms* Next thought please!

Allison: *waves my arm with you*

It can be fun to talk to these bots but it is pretty lame most of time and never replaces an actual human!

KShhh…. don’t tell Allison that she will not be sticking around and will be deleted, she may get hostile!

I love storms…

I love rain!
I love storms!
I love thunder!
I love lightning!

I find tornadoes fascinating!

But, I don’t like the destruction they cause!

Some people will tell you that I love rain because I was born in April, the rainiest month, and that could be, all I can say is that rain makes me happy! I don’t like when it rains so much that it flood areas and causes damage to things, but rain is fun!

As a kid I would always go out and play in the rain, running and splashing everything! As I got older I still love playing in the rain and rarely use an umbrella. I love to drive through puddles and make the water spray everywhere! I also love jumping in the puddles, that’s a weird word -puddles-, I wonder who came up with that word and why are they called puddles?! Anywho, I will always love the rain and the sound it makes on the roof!

Some say that I am crazy when I say how I love storms and that I find tornadoes! They say you won’t like them if you saw one! Sorry, but I still find them fascinating!

I remember so many years ago, it was my birthday and my grandparents just came back from Florida and they stopped by my house. We were all standing in the driveway and I looked up and saw a tornado floating around in the sky. We just stood there and watch it go over the town. I don’t believe it ever touched down in our area that day, but I was amazed seeing it in person!

I have never seen another tornado in person until the other day! Now I will say I never actually saw the funnel of the tornado, but I have never seen anything like what I saw that day! I was sitting there creating and it was storming as it had been all week. I knew there was a tornado watch, but I never saw them except that one time. It started getting dark and windy, that is very normal with storms, but this time it was so very scary!

I was looking out the window and there is a group of trees that separates my yard from the road. It got even darker and the wind whipping around was horrific. Every tree was almost bent in half and the sight of it going through the trees was amazing and terrifying at the same time! I knew instantly what I was seeing and dropped everything and ran to the basement incase it came closer to the house. Unfortunately I was way too curious to stay there especially since I was the only one there. I stood there arguing with myself as I needed to stay down there for safety, but I also had a very strong urge to watch it.

It was over as fast as it started, by the time I came back up to see what was going on, it was all done and starting to brighten up outside! Thankfully nothing was damaged excepof right for a few trees, and with those not landing in the road or yard don’t need to be taken care t away! I have sat in many areas waiting out tornado warnings, but have never experienced seeing one touch down. The next day there were reports of at least 4 F-0 tornadoes touching down in and around my area on that day!

Even though that was a very scary experience and I don’t wish to have it happen again, I am still very much fascinated by storms and tornadoes and always will be! Heck as I am typing this, I am watching and listening to it storm! I do not wish anything harm or destruction on anyone from any of this kind of weather.

I do not think that I could ever actually chase any storm or tornado or want to get trapped outside in these storms, but I will continue to be amazed by them and watch them closely when I am able to!

I am very thankful that I was able to see this happen and that I knew what to do and had a safe place to go to minimize the chance of getting hurt with it all!

I always like to think rain can wash everything clean meaning you start over and become a new person, starting a new slate. I think it is about letting everything that was in your past holding you back go and letting yourself start over new. It also has a very calming effect. Many people who listen to the sound of rain when they’re stressed, anxious or when they need to relax. After a rain/thunder storm, it always feels like things are a lot calmer and more relaxed than it was before. The smell and sound of the rain is very calming and wonderful! It is only made even better if there were a rainbow after the storm! It not only washes the dirt and sadness away, it also helps the crops and such to grow. It is wonderful, and sometimes destructive in so many ways!

Hoe does the rain make you feel? Do you love it or hate and why?

Things I’ve learned from this illness!

Having a chronic illness is life changing! All you can think about it getting a diagnosis and relief!

Let me tell you that it does not get any easier after you get the diagnosis! For most it is just a name to call you health challenges! Sadly for some, like me, the meds for that diagnosed illness don’t help!

❌With a diagnosis  of fibromyalgia you get looked at like you are crazy! You get treated differently because most don’t believe that fibromyalgia is a real illness. You see to get diagnosed with fibro you have to rule everything else out. There are some things doctors look for based off the similarities in the people effected by this illness. Nobody truly understands it and that understanding may never happen!

You are definitely not crazy and fibromyalgia is 100% real and as time goes on more & more medical professionals are seeing the truth of it every day!

❌ There is a lot to learn from dealing with fibro. One thing is that you don’t truly know pain and fatigue until you deal with it on the fibro scale. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not diminishing any other kind of pain or fatigue, but it just simply off the charts with fibro and there isn’t ever one certain thing that makes it all better.

❌ Understanding, you definitely learn understanding more of what some people go through. This illness is mostly invisible and therefore people tend to think you are faking it all. With dealing with all this, you get  a better understanding of looking fine and feeling like you were hit by a train and dragged 100 miles! It really is true that you don’t know anything until you have to deal with it yourself.

❌ Not one treatment works for everyone! There are many different things that can help improve your life with fibro, but sadly not one treatment will help everyone who suffers with this illness! Unfortunately for some the medications designed to help fibro just don’t work well! More and more research is being done and I do believe that there will be more definitive help for this illness coming!

❌ Just because we suffer from the same illness doesn’t mean we understand or are compassionate towards each other! One of the first thing I did when I was diagnosed with fibro was to jump on Facebook and find a support group, because I didn’t want to go sit with actually people and I wanted access to them all the time and not just on meeting days! I have learned being in these groups there is a lot of advice out there and a lot of help figuring this all out! There also is a lot of hate. Some people get angry when they see that other people can’t do things they can do! They say “if I can do you, why can’t you? , or “You’re stupid and just being lazy by not working when I am able to!” It can get bad in those groups, actually so bad that I left all but 2, because well I don’t need a bunch of groups and hate, just 1-2 groups with really good people!

❌ Pace yourself! I have learned to pace myself, though I still have trouble with it sometimes. I will sit down each week and see what I have coming up and plan out my time, now I know that it can be messed up at any moment depending on how I feel, but then something not so important gets pushed back! We need to go slower at our tasks than normal and take more breaks than usual! Like washing windows or walls, it’s too much to do in one day, so do one room a day as that is a big task, then you do little stuff if need!

❌ Lists, lists and more lists! I have lists and notes everywhere! I actually type out daily lists of everything to do including normal tasks like brush teeth and eat and drink water, sadly sometimes I will forget to eat! I have laminated lists and blank paper to write down things I want/need to do! Laminating it just saves paper and you can write and erase it so many times! If you can’t laminate something you can write on  glass or picture frames with dry erase markers, it’s so helpful! I do have note apps on my phone & tablet for when I am not near my paper or lists! They are so helpful! I also set reminders and timers with Alexa so I don’t completely lose track of time!

❌  Compassion & understanding! One of the biggest things that I have learned is compassion & understanding! It is so very true when people say you won’t understand until you go through it or deal with it! I knew that there were people suffering out there, but I didn’t understand it fully until this all started! Some will get upset and say “you look fine, why are you parking in a handicap space!” What they don’t understand is that not every disability or illness is visible! I don’t have a handicap sticker myself, even though some days I really need one! Once you experience everything an illness like this throws at you and all the hate from those who don’t understand, you finally get what it is all like and you can fully see what is all going on around you! Not that you weren’t seeing it before, but it’s a little bit more clearer now!

There are a ton of more things that I have learned throughout my journey with these health challenges, but I can’t remember any more at this time!

What are some things that you have learned dealing with all this torture?

Two people!

There are two people in everyone of us!

There is the KING AND THE FOOL!

THERE IS THE QUEEN AND THE CRAZY!

Whatever we are addressing is the one that will respond! If you want the response of a king. We have to address them as such!

You will bring out the one you a calling upon!

So draw out the king in him!

If you want the response of a queen, you will have to address her as such in order to draw it out of her!

We will always get the one we are addressing to come out!

 Just by how we speak to what is inside of a person!

Always try to draw out the good in people!

I wish feelings were like Alexa

Hey Alexa, stop!

And she stops!

I wish a lot of other things were like Alexa, don’t you?

Hey fear, stop!

Hey crying, stop!

Hey worrying, stop!

Hey bad thoughts, stop!

Hey overthinking, stop!

Hey pain, stop!

Hey migraine, stop!

Hey sickness, stop!

Hey (insert issue here), stop!

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could say that and have it happen! Life would be so much easier! You could tell just about anything to stop and it would stop!

As good as that all sounds, I guess it would take all the fun & adventure out of our lives! We’d be happy to get rid of the bad stuff, but we would miss so much good tangled up in that bad! Seriously think of what we would miss out on if we could stop all of that! It’s kind of like the fast forward button on videos, tv, movie, ect.. We skip the parts we don’t like, but what if in those parts something amazing was hiding! There is something to learn and gain from every bad situation in our lives! Sometimes we can’t see it until years down the road! Now sadly not every bad part is going to have a good part, but there is a reason for it all even if we may never know that reason!

What would your life really look like if we just stopped everything we didn’t like or didn’t feel we had time for! Would you work, if work is not fun? If not, how would you do the things you love so much? Wow, way too many questions and thoughts in this area of it all!

Life would be a tad boring!

Chronic pain truths!

If we don’t say it hurts: It hurts!

If we say it does hurt: It really forking hurts!

No chronic pain doesn’t make your occasional aches and pains less valid!

But your occasional aches and pains don’t magically grant you understanding of what I feel everyday!

It’s okay to have moments when you grieve the loss of the old healthier you!

Myth: You can see when someone is in pain!


Fact: Chronic pain patients hide their pain so well that you would never know they’re really suffering!

One of the most frustrating thing about chronic pain is that you can do right and still be sick!

I am constantly torn between “I have things that need to be done and can’t let this illness run my life” and “I have to listen to my body and rest!”

I often feel a lot of pressure to show up to parties and events even when I feel absolutely terrible!

The unpredictability of being chronically ill makes staying on a schedule difficult!

Things my chronic illness sometime stops me from doing….

  1. Getting out of bed!
  2. Going out with family/friends!
  3. Having fun!
  4. Working/house work!

I miss working!

I miss working!

You, you read that correctly, I said it, I miss working! This coming from a person hates leaving the house and doesn’t like people! No I didn’t not mistake work with the people I worked with! Although, I do miss some people that I worked with from various jobs!

I have worked a lot of different jobs, a lot! I spent quite a few years working at a temp agency going to different places that needed temporary fill in, sometimes it was a new place every week! It was fun, but eventually I quit doing that! The one thing I hated about working besides the people, was doing the same thing over and over every day, gaah it was torture! I simply can’t handle or stand doing the same boring thing everyday! 

I also never found a place where they let my potential soar and truly appreciated me! I started working when I was 14 because I was bored and didn’t stop until my health challenges forced me to! I worked no matter what! I couldn’t use my right arm, I still worked! I could barely move because I injured my back, I still worked! I was sick, I still worked! I was taught to always work or I get fired!

I stayed at one job way too long! It was slowly killing me and sadly that is not an exaggeration! It was so horrible that I’d cry and vomit on my way to work! I don’t even know why I didn’t quit! The only reason I left was because they fired me, and they did that because they was tired of dealing with my health challenges that they caused through injury and abuse!

It kind of was a blessing that they fired me, because for some reason I wasn’t going to quit! And from there I made a pit stop at a retail store for a year and then found the job I had been looking for! This place was amazing, it didn’t pay the best, but they made up for that with kindness, opportunity and care! They loved me! I got to work closely with the owners, who came out daily to check on me because I told them all the health challenges I was facing and he wanted to make sure I was good! I received the opportunity to help make it an even better place to work and make sure the workers got the proper training to ensure the best quality products! Also the best part was that the work I did was different almost every night, depending on what needed to be made and sometimes you would have to switch between machines or molds in the machine in the same night. It was always changing and it was fun!

I do realize that this place has more than likely changed a bit since I had to leave and may not be as awesome as I remember, but I’m pretty sure that it is, for me at least! I know most didn’t like working there! I just appreciated being appreciated and having a fun friendly place to work and to me the working environment is more important than getting paid more!

I can tell you I wouldn’t be able to handle working with not working for around 4 years, I kinda lost my working speed and strength! If you don’t keep going or can’t keep going, you tend to lose it! Sadly my health challenges won’t let me work anymore and if you see me or even spend a day with me, you may never even know I have these challenges as they don’t show on the outside and I don’t go out unless I’m doing mostly good that day!

So many things that I want to do, so little ability to do them!

There’s a line…

There’s a line we all draw, but can’t see! It’s always there and sometimes we ignore it, even though we shouldn’t! We let people cross more often than not and there are times we don’t even know that they have crossed it until it all blows up!

This line, although invisible, is very important! The line we draw is so we have a point to where we won’t let things go! We won’t let people treat us a certain way without consequence! Sadly most of us have to admit that we ignore the line a lot when it comes to certain people!

Why do we continuously let people cross this line! They give us some bullshit reason or excuse as to why what they do or say is happening and we accept it! These may be very valid reasons but that doesn’t mean that we should just accept them! Are there times where we should just let something that crossed the line go? I am sure there is, but more often than not there is no good reason or excuse to let just it go!

How far are should you let things go? When the person in question is so focused on themselves and spew very valid reasons anyone should be out of sorts and will not even listen to the truth about their actions, how far does it go? It may be little comments here and there, but if every time they talk these comments are made, there is more truth to them than anything. Uncalled for yelling and verbal abuse is not anything anyone should put up with! I don’t care what the reasons are.

If you are having a bad time, do not and I repeat DO NOT take it out on someone else! There is no reason or coming back from that especially when things are constantly drilled into you when these people get upset and take it out on you!

Some people seem to think that the world revolves around them and anything that happens to them has never happened to anyone else! They say we would not understand what they are going through! They claim that a death in the family gives them free range to do anything they want and get away it as they are grieving and you won’t get it! Sadly, practically everyone knows what that is like and it definitely not a good or fun situation!

Everybody handles all situations differently, but there is no excuse to treat people badly!   We shouldn’t be letting people cross this line and I know some things happen without us knowing, but once we learn of it we need to d something about it! If you are having a difficult time in your life and you take it our on others then you need to revaluate how you are reacting to this time and handling it! It is perfectly okay to be down and have a few weak moments, but you have to realize what your actions are doing to people around you and adjust accordingly!

Maybe the line should be right next to a wall, so when the cross the line they smash into a wall! Maybe the line would be better at the edge of a cliff so when they cross it, they fall!

Hmmm, interesting!

Do you have to deal with a few line crossers?

How do you handle them?

What should be done with them?

What do you do if the line crossers are family?

P.S. If you avoid the conflict to keep the peace you start a war within yourself!