Put me down

Why do we always put ourselves down? That sounds weird, let’s read that again, nope still weird.

The other day I shared my blog about “Am I mad” and while writing the post I added “now I’m not a professional writer”, but why did I have to say that? I could have just said I haven’t written in a while here’s my latest and I felt I needed to share it. That’s simple enough, but no I had to add that little snip at me. Now I used to be able to write a document perfect, with perfect form and punctuation. Somehow through the years I have lost that skill. I took classes for it and work in many office setting to use the skill and wrote some stories myself. But now I have no clue how to even begin to make the perfect document or story with the correct wording and punctuation.

I have lost that skill and feel the need to point it out. I think that once people read my stories that will have no problem seeing where I have messed up, but I had to say it. Maybe I said it so that someone else didn’t have to. Do you think that’s why we put ourselves down? So others don’t have to? In this world I find people have no trouble saying rude things or taking criticism to a whole new level to where it crosses a line. I wish that line could be built into a wall, so people would run into it when they were about to tear someone down. Maybe then we would stop being so rude and critical to each other.

The saying so true that we are our own worst enemy. I’m positive that I Am not the only one who does, says or writes something and thinks of everything someone else could say bad about it. We probably think it sounds better or hurts less if we say it to ourselves instead of hearing it from others. Wherever it comes from I truly hope that we find a ways to end this cycle.

If you can believe in Santa Clause for 8 years, you can believe in yourself as well! Just trynthis next time you do something well or heck something at all, say something positive about it or yourself. Say hey good job, I like that, or anything that is more uplifting rather than hurtful or negative.

Imagine this a day where you think or saying nothing but positive words or thoughts. It’s amazing who much better your day will be, as I write this I realize that it’s not always that easy, but it is doable.

Let’s try it!

We are breaking up…

Dear chronic illness,

I am writing this letter to inform is to inform you that I am breaking up with you. I could say that the past 8 years have been fun, but that would be a lie. I’d say I have had a good run at this and realize it is just not for me. So really it is true when I say it’s not me, it’s you. We are just not compatible as you would like to think.

When you first came into my life I thought, hey this can’t be all that bad, well it was in the beginning, but I could have sworn it would get better. Boy was I ever wrong. Hey, it happens, sometimes anyway! You have been nothing but trouble, always taking more than you give. You are just so very selfish and uncontrollable. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You have taken so much from me and never given me anything good.

You have continued to push me down and hurt me no matter how much I begged you not to. You just don’t care. How can you not care? What are you like this? What have I done to deserve all this hate. I know that I didn’t really do anything to deserve this, and this is just who and how you are. You relentless torture is really getting out of hand and you must be stopped before something even worse happens.

It’s about time that I take control and stand up to you for I am tired of the pain. I am tired of you taking everything form me and not giving a shit. I am going to fight to get my life back. Hate is a strong word, Mr. Cooper, but I can easily assure you that I definitely hate you with every fiber of my being! If you are on fire and I had the only water to put it out, I’d drink the water!

This is a love/hate relationship with more hate than love, because let’s be honest here who could ever really love you? Now I do want to think you for helping me find some of the best people I have ever met, but you make me exhausted, very painful and feel like I’m a failure, so thank you and goodbye!

If only it were that easy huh??

Failure

Ever sit back and think “what the heck am I working towards?” Or “why am I such a failure at life?” I’m sure that everyone has at one point in their lives. That’s how I’m feeling right now.

I feel like anything that I’ve wanted for myself just isn’t going to happen. It’s like I’ve reached for the stars and forgot to stabilize my ladder. Everything I’ve wanted to accomplish is no longer a dream of mine. All I aspired to be is gone. It is like my garden was growing wonderfully just to be eaten by a bunch of bunnies and it’s refuses to grow again.

Now I always say that you are never to old for a new dream or to accomplish your goals, but what happens when it seems like everything around you is caving in you and you forgot your shovel or rope to pull you out? All these attacks and my shield is wearing thin like it will break at any moment.

I feel like I’ve had so many failures in my life that I don’t know if I will ever see the bright side of it. I keep searching for it, but it never shows up. Maybe, just maybe it’s truly there and I have just forgotten to take off my sunglasses. It doesn’t help that 8 years ago as you know I was gifted a very painful chronic illness that has set me back so much. It feels like I am learning to talk and walk all over again with all the crap that this illness brings. It has taken my independence and so much more away from me.

There really are plenty of things that are going right in my life. I have a supportive family. I am upright and sniffing the air, that always makes for a good day. I have my fur babies, who I would be lost without them. I have been successfully breathing for all these years, even if it did take breathing therapy to help , it’s still a major accomplishment. But in all seriousness, there is a grand canyon sized hole that’s is missing in my life.

I have to continue to have faith that all this dirt caving in on me will eventually stop and I will be able to climb my way out of this hole. I know I will keep getting up no matter how many times I have been knocked down, but it’s never easy to stay positive through all this.

I don’t know how many more breaths I get to take in this life, but I do know that as long as I am breathing I’ve got a chance to make the necessary changes.

What do I really want out of life? I am honestly not sure at this time, besides being able to care for myself and be independent. That’s possibly part of the problem, because no matter what I worked so hard for, it kept getting taken away. This doesn’t do good for a person’s positivity or best outlook on life.

I wake each day in fear of another boulder being thrown down on me, and that’s not a good way to live, but in all honesty that’s not easy thing to get over.

Am I a failure at life? No, because I am still alive and breathing. I haven’t failed at everything as I am still fighting and pushing through it all. Nobody is born a champion or a legend. Everyone always asks you what you want to be when you grow up and I seriously didn’t really know what I wanted to be in life besides successful until later in life. I have always been passionate about helping people. I am so good at listening and seeing both sides of every story, even without knowing everyone involved. Sadly I didn’t have a right support system, so I let that stop me from pursuing my dreams.

Unfortunately these days I have this illness to thank for not pursuing them as I can not comprehend things fully like I used to be able to. I don’t let this fully stop me as I am doing the best I can with what I can do. Sad thing is I am very good at being everyone else’s cheerleader, but never my own, and that is something that I know will never change.

In the end as difficult as life gets there is always always something to be thankful for. There is a reason we are all here in this world, but sometimes it takes us a while to figure that out! I truly know that there is someone out there so,happy just knowing that I exist. I know that no matter what is thrown at me that I will continue to fight and get up each day and reach for the stars, right after I stabilize my ladder.

Never give up, we need and love you! 😘

Am I still mad?

Things come to me the weirdest ways. I dreamt that I ran into someone I used to work with at the place that caused this hell I live with. They asked me if I was still mad that I was fired. That got me to thinking. Am I still mad?

Let’s find out by reading this story.

Back in 2014 I was fired from a job that I had put my blood sweat and tears into for 10 years, and there was no reason given. I know why I was fired, but they won’t ever admit it. I was fired because I was injured on the job in 2011, and from the injury I developed an illness (Fibromyalgia) that not many people understand, there is not test for this horrid illness, it is diagnosed by 18 pain points on your body, health history and tons of tests excluding everything else. I was off work for a couple months before going back part time, then my employer hired a new HR person. Now this is a very small company, and they tend to get away with a lot of things that they shouldn’t, some even illegal as I watch this new HR person work. Now I am not a expert, but I have worked in enough office environments to know what is good and what is not! Anywho when she started the first thing she did was threaten to fire me if I didn’t go back to full time. My mistake was to actually do it, I should have said “screw you” and walk out as I couldn’t handle working full time, but their workman’s comp doctor said I was fine and probably not injured at all!

I could barely move and test after test showed nothing, yet I was miserable. Still to this day that spot in my back hurt tremendously and no test show anything. It took a very good psychiatrist to bring me back from the black hole I crawled into. I somehow got to the point where I could tolerate moving and continued to work there. Big mistake, this HR person made it her mission to make my time there miserable. Every chance she got she would try to fire me, or ask someone if she could. She would put me down and swear how stupid I was because the new fingerprint time clock wouldn’t work with my fingers. It didn’t help that I repeatedly said working with so many adhesives all these years have made my fingers difficult for those things. Things got so bad that I would literally cry driving to work and have to pull over to vomit. It took everything I had to make myself go there everyday when I knew all that was waiting for me was more hatred.

Why did I stay? Good question, because since getting this illness my fears have multiplied. I was afraid of starting over at a new job. Interviews terrified me. I would have to explain what is wrong with me, and even after 8 years, that is hard to do. I thought nobody would want me since my ability to work was unpredictable. So I stayed and suffered. Then one day she came and asked to talk to me, and dropped the bomb, “you’re fired, get out”. She waited for the day that the boss (there were 3) that loved me so much wasn’t there and got the boss that hated me to agree, and I was gone.

Was I mad, yes, but only because I wasn’t given a reason. I was also happy to be gone from that hell, I needed to get out, that place was literally killing me, no joke. I applied for unemployment, and thankfully they were smart and didn’t fight it, and I took a much need 3 month break from everything. I needed that break to recharge and recover from that hell I was in. That place was evil and so hateful, I felt myself turning meaner and I wasn’t liking it. It is so true that you become the environment you work in because I was turning about as hateful as they were, and that’s not good.

After my break I took the first job I could get, working as a greeter at Sams Club, not really the best place to work,but also not the worst. I unfortunately didn’t get hardly any hours as a greeter and moved up to cafe. I swore I’d never work in food, but there I was in food, and one of the busiest clubs around that I’ve seen. I quickly got used to having to run the whole cafe myself as help was hard to get. Heck, my first night the other closer called in. There is so much work that goes into working in the small food box. I learned to be very fast and efficient in my work, soon I went up from there and started doing orders for the cafe and inventory. But that meant working in the freezer and my hands couldn’t take it. They went white and oh so painful. The job eventually got to be too much, along the 30 minute drive. I started looking for a job closer to home.

Thankfully I found a job 7 minutes and 4.2 miles from my house, the perfect job. This job didn’t pay as well as others but it made up for that in the fact that it was so very easy and light duty. Boring at times, but they allowed me to wear headphones and listen to my books or music. This place put every other job to shame with how caring and nice they were. They loved me and taught me more about the job and gave me opportunities I was never given at any other job in the 20+ years I’ve been working. I was given training and advanced to quality control and training employees on the various jobs as well as writing up the training sheets. I was given the opportunity to work directly with the owners who actually valued my opinions. I have never worked in a better environment in my life. One boss would come out every afternoon and check on me to see how I felt and how things were going. No other boss has cared that much before. Sadly that all came to an end in January 2017, in early 2016 I started having worse symptoms including extreme weakness and losing the ability to move my legs and arms. It started out happening occasionally, but soon the episodes came more frequently. I had to call to get a ride home half way through work night about 2 to 3 nights a week. Sadly no test showed anything was wrong and still doesn’t, yet I continue to suffer. Then the biggest episode in 2017 lasted on and off for almost a week, I wasn’t able to go to work. I had to file for fmla and lost my job when that ran out.

My employer told me he hated to let me go and my job was there if I was ever able to come back. I about cried because he cared so much. I felt so bad I wasn’t able to work there anymore. I still feel bad as I loved that job. I loved it so much that even though it took me 7 minutes to get there, I found myself showing up 30 minutes early. Any other job I would hide in my car until the last possible moment. I don’t think that I could ever express the gratitude and love I have for this company and how much I enjoyed working there, and how they made me feel wanted.

So am I still mad? Hell yes I am. Not because I was fired, but because of them and their hatred and unwillingness to give me any kind of help I was injured and got this horrid illness that took so much away from me and ended up taking my most loved job away from me. I am stuck not being able to work, drive, function properly and most of the time not being able to read or comprehend anything or even speak properly. I will spend the rest of my life hating that place for what it did to me. And more than likely spending the rest of my life wondering if I should have sued them and when is it too late to try.

Signing off

Mad and broken forever! 😔

Spare tire

I feel like a spare tire! You know the one that’s tucked away In the truck of your car or underneath it or on the back of it! Wherever it may be that’s what I feel like. You rarely need it, but it’s always there just in case. I mean I’m not writing this for pity or anything like that, just that sometimes I don’t feel I have a real purpose! I can’t drive or work or even do a lot of fun normal life things. I can’t do major house cleaning or repair work. I can’t get up and run around or go shopping or help others with big things. I’m just there in the background watching and listening to everything and everyone around me. Since I can’t project my voice well I am often ignored and overlooked. It’s not really anyone’s fault because if they can’t hear me talk they won’t be able to listen.

They don’t really mean to ignore me. iI get so tired of just watching and listening to life happen. I feel so useless most of the time because I can’t do all the things that I used to do, and that was pretty much everything! It really bothers me sometimes when I hear of everything to do, the things that I took for granted before I got sick. You know like work, friends, spare time, cleaning and organizing, driving, and working towards a big goal.

It makes me sad when I remember what my life used to be like and is like now. I won’t ever have a house of my own to fix up and enjoy! I won’t ever be the main beneficiary of anything as I can not take care of myself. I am stuck being dependent on others, having to ask for rides if I want to go someplace, even something as simple as opening a jar or walking up stairs. They don’t really like to leave me alone, so I’m asked to come along and even if it’s getting together with family I feel like the odd one out, just along for the ride, and to listen to them all talk. I can’t contribute in most things anymore because of the horrid illness and not being able to work! I’m just here taking up space needing a little air once in a while just to stay right Incase I’m needed at some point like that spare tire! Just make sure you check on me once in a while to make sure I didn’t fall out and roll away!

Life is too short!

Life is way too short to spend with people that make you feel anything less than amazing!

If someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them. If they continue to make you uncomfortable, walk away! It isn’t wrong or a crime to walk away from people.

We seem to spend so much time trying to change others, or wishing the would change. The truth is we need to stop trying to change them and/or stop wishing they would change and just walk away.

The people we are longing to eat and spend time with are out there longing to meet people like us. We spend so much time trying to change people into who we want them to be that we forget that there are billions of people in this world and the people we are trying to make are out there.

Stop trying to form others into something, they aren’t clay, they are who they are and always will be.

Leave, run and you will find the person you’re searching for!

Not easy being Sunny…

Some days I feel weak! Some days I feel tired! Some days my life makes sense! Some days I think about everything and it all make sense, but I don’t feel the bravery and passion like I should! I have tendency to talk about the good days more than the bad. I tend to talk about when I feel my best or fairly good. I am still a little embarrassed by the days that I feel empty and broken. These days are there though, they are here more often than the good. I have done a god job of hiding when I feel broken, I tend to where my happy mask, but it is just that, a mask. I am scared to talk about all the bad days as people will start to worry about me more. There isn’t anything to really worry about, I tend to change every day, like the sun, I grow and fall into myself. I will always be here, but sometimes you will only see pieces of me, because I am not at all proud of who I have become. It’s hard to be sunny all the time!