Failure

Ever sit back and think “what the heck am I working towards?” Or “why am I such a failure at life?” I’m sure that everyone has at one point in their lives. That’s how I’m feeling right now.

I feel like anything that I’ve wanted for myself just isn’t going to happen. It’s like I’ve reached for the stars and forgot to stabilize my ladder. Everything I’ve wanted to accomplish is no longer a dream of mine. All I aspired to be is gone. It is like my garden was growing wonderfully just to be eaten by a bunch of bunnies and it’s refuses to grow again.

Now I always say that you are never to old for a new dream or to accomplish your goals, but what happens when it seems like everything around you is caving in you and you forgot your shovel or rope to pull you out? All these attacks and my shield is wearing thin like it will break at any moment.

I feel like I’ve had so many failures in my life that I don’t know if I will ever see the bright side of it. I keep searching for it, but it never shows up. Maybe, just maybe it’s truly there and I have just forgotten to take off my sunglasses. It doesn’t help that 8 years ago as you know I was gifted a very painful chronic illness that has set me back so much. It feels like I am learning to talk and walk all over again with all the crap that this illness brings. It has taken my independence and so much more away from me.

There really are plenty of things that are going right in my life. I have a supportive family. I am upright and sniffing the air, that always makes for a good day. I have my fur babies, who I would be lost without them. I have been successfully breathing for all these years, even if it did take breathing therapy to help , it’s still a major accomplishment. But in all seriousness, there is a grand canyon sized hole that’s is missing in my life.

I have to continue to have faith that all this dirt caving in on me will eventually stop and I will be able to climb my way out of this hole. I know I will keep getting up no matter how many times I have been knocked down, but it’s never easy to stay positive through all this.

I don’t know how many more breaths I get to take in this life, but I do know that as long as I am breathing I’ve got a chance to make the necessary changes.

What do I really want out of life? I am honestly not sure at this time, besides being able to care for myself and be independent. That’s possibly part of the problem, because no matter what I worked so hard for, it kept getting taken away. This doesn’t do good for a person’s positivity or best outlook on life.

I wake each day in fear of another boulder being thrown down on me, and that’s not a good way to live, but in all honesty that’s not easy thing to get over.

Am I a failure at life? No, because I am still alive and breathing. I haven’t failed at everything as I am still fighting and pushing through it all. Nobody is born a champion or a legend. Everyone always asks you what you want to be when you grow up and I seriously didn’t really know what I wanted to be in life besides successful until later in life. I have always been passionate about helping people. I am so good at listening and seeing both sides of every story, even without knowing everyone involved. Sadly I didn’t have a right support system, so I let that stop me from pursuing my dreams.

Unfortunately these days I have this illness to thank for not pursuing them as I can not comprehend things fully like I used to be able to. I don’t let this fully stop me as I am doing the best I can with what I can do. Sad thing is I am very good at being everyone else’s cheerleader, but never my own, and that is something that I know will never change.

In the end as difficult as life gets there is always always something to be thankful for. There is a reason we are all here in this world, but sometimes it takes us a while to figure that out! I truly know that there is someone out there so,happy just knowing that I exist. I know that no matter what is thrown at me that I will continue to fight and get up each day and reach for the stars, right after I stabilize my ladder.

Never give up, we need and love you! 😘

Am I still mad?

Things come to me the weirdest ways. I dreamt that I ran into someone I used to work with at the place that caused this hell I live with. They asked me if I was still mad that I was fired. That got me to thinking. Am I still mad?

Let’s find out by reading this story.

Back in 2014 I was fired from a job that I had put my blood sweat and tears into for 10 years, and there was no reason given. I know why I was fired, but they won’t ever admit it. I was fired because I was injured on the job in 2011, and from the injury I developed an illness (Fibromyalgia) that not many people understand, there is no test for this horrid illness, it is diagnosed by 18 pain points on your body, health history and tons of tests excluding everything else. I was off work for a couple months before going back part time, then my employer hired a new HR person. Now this is a very small company, and they tend to get away with a lot of things that they shouldn’t, some even illegal as I watch this new HR person work. Now I am not a expert, but I have worked in enough office environments to know what is good and what is not! Anywho when she started the first thing she did was threaten to fire me if I didn’t go back to full time. My mistake was to actually do it, I should have said “screw you” and walk out as I couldn’t handle working full time, but their workman’s comp doctor said I was fine and probably not injured at all!

I could barely move and test after test showed nothing, yet I was miserable. Still to this day that spot in my back hurt tremendously and no test show anything. It took a very good psychiatrist to bring me back from the black hole I crawled into. I somehow got to the point where I could tolerate moving and continued to work there. Big mistake, this HR person made it her mission to make my time there miserable. Every chance she got she would try to fire me, or ask someone if she could. She would put me down and swear how stupid I was because the new fingerprint time clock wouldn’t work with my fingers. It didn’t help that I repeatedly said working with so many adhesives all these years have made my fingers difficult for those things. Things got so bad that I would literally cry driving to work and have to pull over to vomit. It took everything I had to make myself go there everyday when I knew all that was waiting for me was more hatred.

Why did I stay? Good question, because since getting this illness my fears have multiplied. I was afraid of starting over at a new job. Interviews terrified me. I would have to explain what is wrong with me, and even after 8 years, that is hard to do. I thought nobody would want me since my ability to work was unpredictable. So I stayed and suffered. Then one day she came and asked to talk to me, and dropped the bomb, “you’re fired, get out”. She waited for the day that the boss (there were 3) that loved me so much wasn’t there and got the boss that hated me to agree, and I was gone.

Was I mad, yes, but only because I wasn’t given a reason. I was also happy to be gone from that hell, I needed to get out, that place was literally killing me, no joke. I applied for unemployment, and thankfully they were smart and didn’t fight it, and I took a much need 3 month break from everything. I needed that break to recharge and recover from that hell I was in. That place was evil and so hateful, I felt myself turning meaner and I wasn’t liking it. It is so true that you become the environment you work in because I was turning about as hateful as they were, and that’s not good.

After my break I took the first job I could get, working as a greeter at Sams Club, not really the best place to work,but also not the worst. I unfortunately didn’t get hardly any hours as a greeter and moved up to cafe. I swore I’d never work in food, but there I was in food, and one of the busiest clubs around that I’ve seen. I quickly got used to having to run the whole cafe myself as help was hard to get. Heck, my first night the other closer called in. There is so much work that goes into working in the small food box. I learned to be very fast and efficient in my work, soon I went up from there and started doing orders for the cafe and inventory. But that meant working in the freezer and my hands couldn’t take it. They went white and oh so painful. The job eventually got to be too much, along the 30 minute drive. I started looking for a job closer to home.

Thankfully I found a job 7 minutes and 4.2 miles from my house, the perfect job. This job didn’t pay as well as others but it made up for that in the fact that it was so very easy and light duty. Boring at times, but they allowed me to wear headphones and listen to my books or music. This place put every other job to shame with how caring and nice they were. They loved me and taught me more about the job and gave me opportunities I was never given at any other job in the 20+ years I’ve been working. I was given training and advanced to quality control and training employees on the various jobs as well as writing up the training sheets. I was given the opportunity to work directly with the owners who actually valued my opinions. I have never worked in a better environment in my life. One boss would come out every afternoon and check on me to see how I felt and how things were going. No other boss has cared that much before. Sadly that all came to an end in January 2017, in early 2016 I started having worse symptoms including extreme weakness and losing the ability to move my legs and arms. It started out happening occasionally, but soon the episodes came more frequently. I had to call to get a ride home half way through work night about 2 to 3 nights a week. Sadly no test showed anything was wrong and still doesn’t, yet I continue to suffer. Then the biggest episode in 2017 lasted on and off for almost a week, I wasn’t able to go to work. I had to file for fmla and lost my job when that ran out.

My employer told me he hated to let me go and my job was there if I was ever able to come back. I about cried because he cared so much. I felt so bad I wasn’t able to work there anymore. I still feel bad as I loved that job. I loved it so much that even though it took me 7 minutes to get there, I found myself showing up 30 minutes early. Any other job I would hide in my car until the last possible moment. I don’t think that I could ever express the gratitude and love I have for this company and how much I enjoyed working there, and how they made me feel wanted.

So am I still mad? Hell yes I am. Not because I was fired, but because of them and their hatred and unwillingness to give me any kind of help I was injured and got this horrid illness that took so much away from me and ended up taking my most loved job away from me. I am stuck not being able to work, drive, function properly and most of the time not being able to read or comprehend anything or even speak properly. I will spend the rest of my life hating that place for what it did to me. And more than likely spending the rest of my life wondering if I should have sued them and when is it too late to try.

Signing off

Mad and broken forever! 😔

Spare tire

I feel like a spare tire! You know the one that’s tucked away In the truck of your car or underneath it or on the back of it! Wherever it may be that’s what I feel like. You rarely need it, but it’s always there just in case. I mean I’m not writing this for pity or anything like that, just that sometimes I don’t feel I have a real purpose! I can’t drive or work or even do a lot of fun normal life things. I can’t do major house cleaning or repair work. I can’t get up and run around or go shopping or help others with big things. I’m just there in the background watching and listening to everything and everyone around me. Since I can’t project my voice well I am often ignored and overlooked. It’s not really anyone’s fault because if they can’t hear me talk they won’t be able to listen.

They don’t really mean to ignore me. I get so tired of just watching and listening to life happen. I feel so useless most of the time because I can’t do all the things that I used to do, and that was pretty much everything! It really bothers me sometimes when I hear of everything to do, the things that I took for granted before I got sick. You know like work, friends, spare time, cleaning and organizing, driving, and working towards a big goal.

It makes me sad when I remember what my life used to be like and is like now. I won’t ever have a house of my own to fix up and enjoy! I won’t ever be the main beneficiary of anything as I can not take care of myself. I am stuck being dependent on others, having to ask for rides if I want to go someplace, even something as simple as opening a jar or walking up stairs. They don’t really like to leave me alone, so I’m asked to come along and even if it’s getting together with family I feel like the odd one out, just along for the ride, and to listen to them all talk. I can’t contribute in most things anymore because of the horrid illness and not being able to work! I’m just here taking up space needing a little air once in a while just to stay right Incase I’m needed at some point like that spare tire! Just make sure you check on me once in a while to make sure I didn’t fall out and roll away!

Life is too short!

Life is way too short to spend with people that make you feel anything less than amazing!

If someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them. If they continue to make you uncomfortable, walk away! It isn’t wrong or a crime to walk away from people.

We seem to spend so much time trying to change others, or wishing the would change. The truth is we need to stop trying to change them and/or stop wishing they would change and just walk away.

The people we are longing to eat and spend time with are out there longing to meet people like us. We spend so much time trying to change people into who we want them to be that we forget that there are billions of people in this world and the people we are trying to make are out there.

Stop trying to form others into something, they aren’t clay, they are who they are and always will be.

Leave, run and you will find the person you’re searching for!

Not easy being Sunny…

Some days I feel weak! Some days I feel tired!

Some days my life makes sense!

Some days I think about everything and it all make sense, but I don’t feel the bravery and passion like I should!

I have tendency to talk about the good days more than the bad.

I tend to talk about when I feel my best or fairly good.

I am still a little embarrassed by the days that I feel empty and broken.

These days are there though, they are here more often than the good.

I have done a god job of hiding when I feel broken, I tend to where my happy mask, but it is just that, a mask.

I am scared to talk about all the bad days as people will start to worry about me more. There isn’t anything to really worry about, I tend to change every day, like the sun, I grow and fall into myself.

I will always be here, but sometimes you will only see pieces of me, because I am not at all proud of who I have become.

It’s hard to be sunny all the time!

Comebacks for doctors

I didn’t write all of these, but they for sure have been thoughts in my head. I haven’t always said what I felt I needed to say to doctors until recently. I have gotten fed up with their ignorance and unwillingness to help me. These doctors have reduced me to tears so many times with the crap they say, the insensitive idiotic things they say. They are supposed to be an advocate for us, not work against us. They are supposed to be there to listen, not ignore us. They are supposed to fight for us, and do everything they can to figure all this bullshit out, but no they don’t listen to, or believe us.

1. “‘I guess I don’t need all these meds then!’

2. “‘Really?! So you can see my pain?’”

3. “‘Please don’t dismiss me. I am highly aware of my symptoms because I live with them 24/7. Being aware of your symptoms and condition to a high level of detail is not only necessary but helpful, because if we work together — you with your knowledge of medicine and me with my knowledge of myself — we can get somewhere.’”

4. “‘You’re wrong. [I] think I know my own pain after 7 years.’”

5. “This was not in my five-year plan. Or 20, for that matter. This isn’t just pain. It is agony with no real quality of life to speak of. Please spend a full week in my home. Then decide!

6. “I have told a provider once if she doesn’t take me seriously I’ll be making appointments every month until she listens to me. That worked.”

7. “‘Why would I make this up? I can’t do anything I loved anymore.’”

8. “‘Unfortunately for you, if it wasn’t for all the sick people out there having to come to you for help, you wouldn’t have a job! Therefore I suggest you show us some respect… or find someone that knows what he or she is doing. FYI, it’s people like us that pay your bills…’”

9. “Just get up and leave. If a doctor treats me like garbage I’ll find another. I know not everyone has that luxury, but I’ve known doctors to intentionally prescribe the wrong medications, or try to cause pain during a physical exam to prove me wrong and I’m not taking that chance anymore.”

10. “‘I didn’t know my pain cared about my age because it surely doesn’t seem like it.’

11. “‘It’s real, it’s painful and just because you refuse to acknowledge it exists does not make it any less valid.

12. “‘Just because it’s not happening right this second as you’re moving that limb, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Watch me walk down the hallway when I leave, then tell me it’s all fine.’”

13. “‘I live in this body and experience it every day. You’re only seeing it in passing and on paper. Tell me, doctor, do you know my name without looking at that sheet much less my history or pain?’ Too many times I’ve nodded and agreed with ignorant doctors who assumed I knew nothing. So I educated myself and went to experts, read medical papers, watched online conferences caught up on medical research and when I’m dismissed now I can recite facts and figures. I’m not another number. I am a person and they forget that.”

14. “I said to my doctor, ‘Don’t dismiss me. That’s rude. I know you are the doctor which is why I am here, but if you don’t actually listen to me then we aren’t going to figure anything out.’”

15. “‘You’re not hearing what I’m saying.’”

What is something you have wanted to say to your doctor, but never have??

The current pain scale is a joke

There is always a pain scale hanging in doctors offices and hospitals, every time you say you have some sort of pain they ask you “What is it on a scale of 1-10?”. Here is the current pain scale:

0-2 very mild

3-4 Tolerable

5-6 is very distressing

7-8 is very intense

9-10 is unbearable/death like

Now the doctors don’t like to believe you if you say it is a 8-10, stating “oh, it can’t be that bad”. Oh please tell me how bad my pain is then, since you seem to know my body more than I do. I have actually gotten into an argument with a nurse who claimed that the IV couldn’t possibly hurt, well it did and does every time I get one. It’s not a secret that those of us with chronic pain feel the pain more. A simple needle prick can feel like excruciating pain.

Nobody will ever understand your pain unless they feel it, and I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone ever. They should really put some mor thought into a more accurate pain scale. One that actually shows it better and realities to the patients pain more. Below is a more accurate pain chart for a person dealing with chronic pain.

0-3: NO PAIN This is very rare, like some kind of magical unicorn.

4-6: NORMAL PAIN This is how we feel every day. This is our “normal”. Because of this we are really good at hiding it. We can even gnome the pain sometimes, which might cause us to over do and overextend ourselves.

This is where “normal” people would be crying and needing pain relievers.

7-10: Heightened. This is where our pain is heightened above the normal. The pain is more noticeable but can still be hidden with a smile. The pain interferes with our daily tasks but we can work through it.

11-13: Widespread. This is where the pain is more widespread and noticeable to others. We are probably more quiet, set back and moody. At this point we are having a hard time concentrating and getting through the day.

14+ Unbearable. This is where the pain is unbearable and overwhelming. We will not want to move. We will more than likely be in tears as this is our breaking point.

How many times have we heard if you are at a 10 you should go to the ER? Seriously! If those with chronic pain went to the ER every time they were at a 10 we would either live there, or be laughed at and thought of us drug seekers. No thank you! At a 10 we grab out blankets, pillows, snacks, tv remote, and phone/ iPad. We simply take anything we may need if we even have the energy and ability to do so and hibernate until we are able to move and deal with the pain again. We definitely aren’t going to the ER, since they won’t do anything for us. And once you mention the word fibromyalgia, it’s all over, nothing will done. The sad truth is we get used to our “new normal”. We get used to living with the pain, well at least up to a 5, then we think about taking something, if we have it.

The simple truth is that we’ve gotten so use to our pain, we don’t like it and we don’t want it, but sadly we are stuck with it. Some people seem to think we just can’t imagine living without it, but it’s part of us and some days we are lucky enough to be able to tune it out.

There’s a problem!

There’s a problem!

If you get a migraine thinking about having to go to the doctor…. there’s a problem!

If you go to the doctor, and they don’t listen…. there’s a problem!

If you get worked up and cry because you have to go to the doctor… there’s a problem!

If your doctor writes the opposite of what you say in your chart… there’s a problem!

If you can never get through to your doctors office… there’s a problem!

If your doctor won’t recognize that there’s an issue…. there’s a problem!

If you know more about your illness and issues… there’s a problem!

If going to the doctor is like going to a hateful workplace… there is a problem!

Now my list could go on and on, but I may just end it there, of course I’ll think of more later, and my mind never shuts up. Oy! Why won’t you be quite for once! I am seriously pondering if it is even worth going to the doctor anymore. If it causes nothing but headaches and frustration, why bother? Well, mostly because I need their testing equipment, not that they run the right tests in the first place anyway. For instance, for the last seven years I have been asking and pleading with them that ,y mid back is causing most of the problems , they did one test, one in the very beginning, and that’s it. I swear they are missing something. Ever since they have said they would do MRIs and scans of my mid back, but then did my low back area multiple times and my neck. I have even went as far as to ask every doctor I’ve seen “okay, what area of my back is this (pointing to,my mid back) 3 out of 4 doctors have said mid back! Ok then, that’s where the pain and pressure is, scan that part ok? Yes we will. Wrong again!

There’s a problem with the medical profession these days. They are so worried about getting as many patients in as possible, that they make you wait in the room for 10-15 minutes, just to,spend 5 minutes with you, not letting to,ask the questions you want to,ask or explain what all is wrong. Last visit, I was actually told “I’m sorry we are out of time” what is this a psychological visit, isn’t that what they usually say? Those hour visit go by in a blink also. But other doctors schedule 5 minute visits, that’s not enough time for anybody.

We all know doctors don’t like being told how to do their job, so,how do you go about getting the right tests done? How do you get them to,check for certain things if they won’t listen? I find it very sad that we know more about our illness and/or issues than the doctors do. Now I am a researcher, if I don’t have anything to,do, want to waste time or am bored, I will be looking up information. Now I don’t believe everything I read online, and I’m not trying to self diagnose myself, but here is a lot of accurate information out there and it’s not hard to find. Or you can talk to people that are going through the same thing.

I had gone to my gastroenterologist thus past week, well I saw his physician assistant actually, they’re not much better than doctors. I explained my concerns and was told the next step they were going to take. Now this did not involve what I was concerned about, so I asked about it again, and was told that the issue was not related and can not be cause by the last surgery I had (which of course I learned later by talking with other who have the same issue, but the doctor should have know about it, since it’s a common issue). You’re right, the surgery didn’t cause this issue, but it started the day or two after the surgery, and can be cause by the acid reflux I’ve been experiencing for the last 14 years. So of course I left frustrated with doctors and with an procedure to check things out, but unfortunately that won’t be done until December. There lies another problem, I understand that doctors are very busy, especially specialists, but then you would think they would get more help, because I don’t feel that they think our concerns are a priority. I understand that with limited doctors there are limited times available for visits and procedures, because there are so many people having issues.

So if you don’t get answers from your doctor, where do you go? Well if you’re like me, you join a Facebook group related to the issue and ask questions there and talk to others dealing with the same thing, and you search the web for information. Now getting information this way is not meant to diagnose you or anything like that, but it does help figure it all out when the doctors won’t explain it all properly and tell you what could be causing the issues.

I believe there is a major flaw in the medical profession, doctors used to sit with you and explain everything better. They used to allow more time for visits, and try to figure out what the problem is. Now I don’t have the desire to go to medical school or the energy for it, but they seriously need to take a class on how to talk to and handle patients. They spend all this time learning the rules and how to do the procedures, which are changing and have new stuff added daily, but they don’t learn how to handle patients. Yes they are the ones who are supposed to,figure it all out as to,what is wrong with us, and that could be made harder because of all the information made available t9 us on the Internet, along with those that believe everything they read and self diagnose. In al, seriousness and as one doctor has told me, we know our bodies the best, we can feel what is going on with it. We may not know what exactly it all is, but we can tell when something is wrong and we have to be the advocate for ourselves and speak up when the doctors fail us.

I will never stop speaking up and fighting the doctors. Yes, I will giver up for a couple days because the frustration gets to be too much, but I will start up again and keep at it until the answers I need are found. If the doctor you are seeing gives up (which most of mine have) or they are just too incompetent to fight and figure it out, ditch them and get a new one, but don’t feel bad about it, you are fighting for you because someone needs to, when they won’t.

Have you found a good way to get doctors to do what you think you need done?

Disclaimer needed

Disclaimer needed

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it so many more times! There is too much hate in this world!

I don’t get out much these days. I don’t have friends that I get together with., mainly because I can’t work or drive, therefore I stay home! So I find people on social networks to talk to, I use Facebook the most. Now I hate a love hate relationship with Facebook. I don’t like spending a lot of time on there, but what I dislike even more are the people who think they need to try and force their opinion on you.

One thing I love with Facebook are groups. I join groups for everything, love interacting with people that I have similar interesting with. I’m in fibromyalgia groups, craft groups, community groups, I’m in friends groups that sell things to support them. Now I used to be in a ton more groups than I am in now, why, because of the hateful people. It is getting so bad, that I don’t want to comment on posts, and that’s sad! I have left over 60% of the groups I was in because of the hate. If someone asks a question and wants different opinions, I try to help, I love helping. If I can help someone out by telling them my experiences or thoughts, I’m happy! What I’m not happy about are those that feel they need to jump all over me and tell me that I’m wrong, or stupid because of my option and experience. Why would anyone feel the need to do that? I understand if they are having a hard time, but that’s not an excuse to take it out on anyone, especially people you not know. We are fighting something, e need to lift each other up, instead of tearing them down!

It has gotten so bad that I have written a disclaimer for anything I post! It states: (***what I have written is my opinion and not meant to be everyone’s opinion or the standard way of doing things. Just based on my experience***)

Sadly I feel from the hate of others, I now need a disclaimer in my comments!!.

I find it very sad that I hate to write that, but if someone disagrees with what I write, they get mad and yell at me! I’ve had people yell and call me stupid for agreeing with them. For say I agree with “so-&-so” and explain why or a little more, then that person jumps on me, calls me names, and blocks me! Seriously, I was agreeing with you, not saying anything mean!

If your point of view differs from someone, that’s great. We aren’t all supposed to be the same, but we don’t have to hate people just because they say something we don’t like or disagree with. It’s not necessary to be rude because you read something you don’t like. I hate that I have to hold back information that can potentially help someone or comfort them because of all the hate out there, but sadly it has come to that. I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before someone jumps all over me because I feel I need to add a disclaimer to my comments.

What is your opinion on all the hate in this world? Does it stop you from voicing your thoughts?

Medications….helping or cover up?

Dealing with a chronic illness isn’t fun, we all know that, but what about the medications the doctors give to us? Do they help, hinder or just cover some or all of it up?

I don’t like to have to take medications at all, but the doctor insists on some of them, the main one being an antidepressant. There are mixed feeling about the kind of meds. Sometimes they make the person worse, they end up crying more, when that’s what they want to stop. I have been on a few different kind of antidepressant meds. The latest one they put me on because my primary doctor can’t give me good pain meds, and these are supposed to help with pain. Of course they want to make it so your not as depressed, their thinking is if you aren’t as depressed, the pain will lessen or go away. None of these meds have helped me with any of the pain.

Depression comes along with fibromyalgia, of course you’d be depressed with this illness, who wouldn’t be, when they are in a tremendous amount of pain, with no real answers as to why and how to help it. When visiting my doctor, I am supposed to fill out a questionnaire about depression. The questionnaire isn’t too detailed, with standard questions. If you score more then 10 they want to up your meds. I refused to let them up the dosage last time, but who knows how long I can keep them from doing that.

I haven’t had much luck with these type of medications,the side effects are always way worse for me than most people. At first it practically knocked me out, which is why I take it at night. So I was getting some decent sleep. And I wasn’t crying as much, which is good, because I cried over everything. But then I started to notice that I just didn’t care about anything anymore. Sure I didn’t cry, but I also didn’t smile, I didnt laugh as much, even when things were really funny. Whatever was happening, I was feeling so bland. Nothing, no feelings what so ever. Yes, there are still occasions where I laugh and cry, but very few compared to before.

In my research I found that this med has a high sedation factor. So that got me to thinking, what are the doctors really trying to do here? Yes, they want to help control the depression, but a high sedation drug that basically wipes you of all feeling? Is that really the way we want to go? I highly believe that the meds we are given are only to cover everything up, think about it, if these meds were really supposed to heal us, we wouldn’t need a refill. The recommended dosage for this drug was 100-105 mg and I am currently taking 50. Just think how would I feel if I let them up the dosage? Yes, the sleepy effect wore off a bit to where I don’t sleep as much again, but how sedated would I be if I let them up the dose more and more?

Who wants to live like that? I believe if the dose keeps going up, the stronger the drug, the more the sedation, you be going through life a empty shell of who you were. You wouldn’t really be living, but floating through life. That’s no way to go through life in my opinion. Doctors aren’t happy if we are upset and crying because of all we have to deal with. But, why would they really want us to be walking around like an empty shell? There has to be a better option out there.

Some are very happy to have the pain, ect. covered up but, I for one am tired of the cover up and the sedation. Someone needs to find a way to help and heal.