I stabbed myself…

I never thought that I would stab myself! I never thought even though it was so very painful to do that it would give so much needed relief!

I have had migraines since I was 15, they definitely are not any fun! I named my migraine Julie (Previous blood post) and she does not like to leave me alone! Along with the horrific pain I get extreme sound & light sensitivity and very dizzy and nauseous! I was able to somewhat control Julie but as I got older she got more aggressive!

For years I was only prescribed Imitrex, which did not help! I had like 4 different meds/OTC meds and a heated eye mask to try to help get rid of Julie as soon as possible or get some sort of relief as once she shows up she stays for at least 4 days.

January through end of March are always the worst time as Julie is there with me EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I couldn’t live like this anymore and was fed up with the treatment of the migraines I was receiving. I finally convinced my pcp to try something else and actually got a medication that somewhat knocked the pain down, not to an “I can ignore it” level but it was a little better. Unfortunately we had to try this med for a bit before we could go to the insurance company to get better meds.

I wasn’t thrilled with going back to the neurologist I had dealt with before, but then thought it would be okay as we were dealing with migraines and those are more understandable. I was prescribed Emgality and it took over 2 months to get the insurance company to approve it!

I was not expecting anything miraculous and being very very scared of needles was not thrilled with the idea of stabbing myself every month, but that is how much I am over dealing with Julie.

I finally got the injection meds in the beginning of December and holy rusted metal Batman did that freaking hurt! I almost vomited it hurt that bad to inject the meds into my leg, but I insisted that I needed to do it myself. I was amazed with the results! It kick Julie in the face,, the pain was gone and I mean GONE! Oh sure the nausea, dizziness, light & sound sensitivity ramped up, but the level 12 pain disappeared. “POOF”

I was told it could take a few weeks to kick in and work but the pain was gone with in a day. The last week of December Julie showed up with the pain again, and sadly had to wait until January 7 to do another injection as they have to be 30 days apart. I got used to the very little to no pain for the month that I hated having it back and it has been very hard to wait for relief when you know how good it was!

At my most recent check up with the neurologist, she said it will only get better the more you take the medication. I am very impressed and optimistic about this medication. I have been searching for and trying so many different ways to get relief from Julie and am beyond thrilled to finally have some! After so many many years of dealing with this horrible pain it is still surprising at how you forget how bad it was when you have a couple weeks of relief.

I highly doubt that this will ever make me like needles, but I may get used to and okay with this injection!

I almost couldn’t stab myself again on January 7, the thought of all that pain and fear of needles almost got me to not do it! I made myself do it and it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the first time, but it still hurt a lot!  I will probably encounter that every time but it is so worth it to lessen and/or end the pain.

Julie is still hanging around right now, but she is only causing and dull ache, enough to know she is there but not enough to be a huge problem. Dizziness and lightheadedness is still ramped up and I look forward to that lessening as well.

My thoughts are so far I am very impressed with Emgality and will continue to stab myself once a month.

If you suffer with migraines (which I truly hope that you don’t) how bad are they? What helps knock the pain down?

Nobody knows…

These four walls closing more everyday and I’m dying inside and nobody knows it but me…

The pain is real even if nobody knows and I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me…

I’m missing me and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody knows the pain that I feel!

The nights are long and the days are so sad, and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody will ever know the true feelings inside my head. They will never know the pain and torture living in my head. I wish I didn’t know about it either. Living with an invisible chronic illness doesn’t help things at all. It is a very hard life and I don’t wish it on anyone!

You try and get out of your head, but it is just so very very hard to do! Creating and craftiness helps distract me from it all. Listening to books and music is also very helpful, but at some point it all catches up with you and knocks you down.

We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about all of this. I say embrace it, let it out, scream, cry, break things if needed! Visiting these feelings and letting them out can be very good for you. It is okay to not be okay, let yourself deal with it. It is okay to visit and deal with it, just don’t unpack and live there. You need to find a way to deal with it all, find something that helps make you happy.

Never apologize for feeling hurt and sad, it is all part of being human. Never apologize for being you, for being real, it’s like apologizing for being human and that isn’t cool or necessary!

People hate for no reason and it’s becoming too easy and normal to do! I say let’s love for no reason! Less hate & more love!

You are beautiful, worth it, amazing and someone is happy just knowing that you exist! When you’re out doing life things, take the time to smile, wave or even say hi to someone, you never know it could just be the reason that they keep going in this life we live!

Nobody knows the horror that is in our heads, but maybe, just maybe it is time that people learn what is like, then possibly we could all learn to deal with it and help each other out and be a little bit happier!

Why did you let it happen?

Why did you let that happen?

Why did you stay?

Why can’t you just ignore them?

Why didn’t you just leave?

Those questions are very commonly asked of people who let bad things happen to them and they don’t leave or do something about the situation they are in!

The answers is so very complicated, yet so simple at times! We don’t think that we deserve any better, or they are too scared! It’s not a good answer but it is the truth! The simple truth is that you will never understand unless you have dealt with it! It’s sad that in most cases people just won’t get it any other way!

Whether it is physical or emotional abuse, there is no need for it  yet it happens to people every day! How someone can just decide one day to be that cruel to someone is beyond me, I will never understand! 

Someone who so incredibly mad enough to hurt someone has some really huge issues! I am so against any form of abuse on any person or animal, especially someone who can not fight back!

But when you have to be subjected to so much of this kind of behavior and abuse you tend to keep going back for more because that is normal life!

People will say if it’s hurting you or bothering you, just walk away! Just turn off the computer! Just block them! Just ignore them! Just don’t answer the phone, just do this…

 It’s not that easy and unless you deal with it, you won’t know! You are scared that they might hurt you or someone you love if you don’t put up with it! These people threaten you enough that you think they may actually do something, and/or the prove that they will do something! So you are too scared to run! You are so used to this kind of life that if would be wrong to walk away! Sometimes they only get extremely mean when they have been drinking and when they are done with you and sober, they kiss up to you and put forth so much effort to make sure that you are going to be okay and not leave. You just so caught up in the love that you almost forget they way they were just previously acting! There are times when you know that you should get out and escape, but you get so scared of what might happen if you try. Sometimes you are so convinced that you are worthless and nobody else would want you that you have no reason to leave.

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. There are more ways to be in contact and get emotionally abused. Whether it be in person, over the phone, by text or online, heck it can even happen by mail! You can not just simply escape these people, it is not as easy as just ignoring them! They threaten to hurt you, your friends and your family! They are so convincing in their ways that you can’t just simply escape and you can’t always hide from these type of people! They always find a way to get to you! If by some miracle you do get away, they will always haunt you in your dreams or mind! You may forgive at some point, but you will never forget, and sadly it will follow you and most likely ruin future relationships.

Unfortunately there are cases where you seek help and nobody believes you. Some cases where the people you love and have know your whole life go and believe a total abusive stranger than you and they say it is your fault you are in that situation! Some cases where they all choose to ignore the signs until it is too late!

Not all situations have a bad ending, some do have good endings, but even then you are stuck with scars forever, both visible and non-visible!

I may have not explained and gotten my words down completely correct, but I believe you can get the picture of it and some explanation without going into a lot of details that it is never as easy as saying “leave the situation”. I so very much wish it were that simple!

Were you able to escape an abusive situation/relationship?


Do you know someone who has escape or wasn’t able to escape?

What do you do when the one you are supposed to run to for comfort and help is the one who makes you cry?

I just want you know…


You are braver than you believe!
You are stronger than you seem!
You are smarter than you think!

You are loved more than you know!

Keep fighting and never give up!