New words needed….

How are you??

Tired……

That’s always the answer! Tired! Not a good answer, because I’m so much more than tired, but it is the standard answer! Some people don’t really want to know, it’s just a thing you ask! Some people want to know, but they don’t want to know everything, just a simple answer.

It is a simple answer but it does not fully describe how I feel! There should be a better word to truly describe how I feel sometimes, but I can never think of one! I was at my checkup with my pcp and I used that word “tired” when she asked how I was really feeling when she said your depression score is higher than it has been, do we need to adjust your meds. I said I have been more tired that usually!

A few days later of course and I’m thinking that I hate the word tired. My brain wasn’t working correctly that day and all I could say was tired, it nobody will ever fully understand it all if I keep using that word! I should have said that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained! My body is weak and exhausted, my muscles are weak and sluggish, but when I get that drained, I can’t fully explain how I truly feel!

This is in no way a new feeling for me, just a flare up and it is never fun! It truly is awful to get up and need to rest after changing clothes and making a meal! It is awful how much energy you lose during these flares. Sadly I try to ignore it all because I won’t let myself actually take a day to rest!
I’ve been living with this crap for so many years and still have not gotten used to it or truly let myself take a break, not that I am pushing myself and doing a lot, but still.

It is just so much more than anything I can explain! I don’t think that I will ever fully understand any of this or why it is happening! Can’t get lost thinking of that though, that is a awful hole you don’t want to go down! Cover that hole up, do t want any part of it!

He worst part of all of this is that any test they run shows nothing! Nothing! And most doctors don’t truly believe me when I explain everything that happens, I just have to deal with it all and that exhausts me beyond belief!

So, yeah, a new word is needed to explain it all without explaining it all! That’s all I have, I’m drained!

P.S. Time spent with cats is never wasted!

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Be proud…

I am proud of myself because I’ve survived the days I thought I couldn’t!

If all you did was survive today, be proud, that’s good!

It takes a lot of energy to survive!

It takes a lot of energy to get through a day with a chronic illness!

It takes a lot of energy to fight everyday, just remember that each day you are here, you are winning!

It’s okay to be tired!

It’s okay to be tired of living this life, just don’t give up on yourself M

You are going to make it through this!

STAY ALIVE!

YOU’VE GO THIS!

Be proud of yourself for surviving each day!

Shouldn’t be this way….

Nobody should have to love like this!

Nobody should have to be in so much pain!

Nobody should have to live with this much anxiety!

Nobody should have to live with this much fear!

Nobody should have to live with this much sickness!

Nobody should have to live with this much depression!

Nobody should have to live with mush hate!

Nobody should have to live with this much dizziness!

Nobody and I mean NOBODY should have to love like this!

Where did all of this come from?

Why does breathing have to hurt so much?

Why does it feel like you’ve been hit by a train when waking up?

Why does someone who is able to do anything one day and then the next day a small injury takes it all away?!

Why does this happen?

Why can’t doctors figure out a way to help?

Why can’t people recognize how much you suffer and get some assistance?

Why do some doctors lie in your medical charts just because they don’t understand or believe what is happening to you?

Why do some people who abuse the system get disability, but the ones who desperately need the help and are suffering not get it?

Why do people have to suffer?

Why do people get told that they are too disabled to work, but can’t get disability?

Why does life have to be this way?

Why does the medication that is supposed to help cause bad side effects that prevents you from being able to take it?

What does life have to be so difficult?

Why can’t people be able to be healthy and happy?

Why can medication help some people but not all people?

Why? Why? Why?

Nobody should have to!

What is one thing that all chronic illness sufferers want?  Answers to health issues and understanding!

Stop me if you’ve heard this before! I love stuffed animals!

They don’t understand….

What is one thing that people really don’t understand about fibromyalgia???

The severity of the pain!! They don’t understand and sometimes don’t believe ot can actually hurt that much!

Today I wheeled my chair closer to my desk and lightly tapped my knee on the edge of my desk, you would have thought someone hit me with a hammer!  I almost cried!! No joke, and I barely touched it! The pain only lasted about a minute, but the pain was terrible!

Sadly that is a common the g with fibromyalgia! At times people can just rely their hand on my arm and my eyes will fill with tears! When they grab my arm so that I don’t fall, it sends sharp pain shooting through my body! It all hurts too much, way too much!

Not many people will understand that! They will look at you like you are crazy, saying “it can’t hurt that bad!” Oh, but it does! Everything hurts so much more when you have fibromyalgia and I  get that it is hard to believe! Iv’s are the worst, they really hurt! I’ve had nurses try to argue with me that it can’t possibly hurt, their argument is always “it’s doesn’t hurt, there is no needle left in your arm!” Sure no needle, but there is still something in my arm and it really hurts!

I have to stab myself every month with my migraine medication! It is real torture to hold that needle in my leg for 10 seconds while it injects the medication and with extreme pain in my leg! I mean the minute of bad pain is worth it as it helps me not get so many migraines , but dang it if you regret it during the injection!

Sometimes all you have to do is wake up and you feel like you were run over by a train! Yes, I know I can’t really know what that feels like but, seriously it is a major amount of serious pain here!

I hate this pain! I hate that people don’t want to or try to understand! I hate the place that caused  me to have all this pain! I hate that this pain has taken so very much from me!

I wish more people understood! I know that they don’t really have to understand, they can’t remember everything for everybody, but it would be nice if more actually did! I wish there was a way to ease the pain! I wish there was a way to get some part of my life back that it stole!

I didn’t ask for this life, but I will continue to do my best to live the life that chose me!

What do you wish more people understood??

P.S. Cats are my most favorite animals ever! They are so beyond wonderful!

I didn’t sign up for this…

Me: Have you figured out what wrong with me?

Doctor: You have fibromyalgia!

Me: What the heck is that??

Doctor: We have no freaking clue!! Mostly pain, but also kind of like the flu! Oh, and bits of you will stop working for no reason! You will also have zero energy!

Me: Um… that doesn’t sound good!

Doctor: Oh, you’ll need plenty of rest, but won’t be able to sleep!

Me: Uhhhh…..

Me: Hmmm…..

Me: I didn’t sign up for this at any point in my life!!!

Can’t be that bad…

One of my  favorite quotes from someone is always “it can’t really be that bad if you are still able to do this or that.”  I told them I didn’t know I had a choice.

Years in pain, tired and the many changes in me for no apparent reason … Hiding everything from everyone, pretending to be doing better than you are, just so I don’t have to hear them complain and put me down because of it all! You just do what you can so you don’t feel worse from the comments and suggestions from others!

Then the moment comes when they tell you what you have … You have mixed feelings: you finally know what you have, but how do you deal with it? The relief in finally having something to call these health challenges, but still not knowing how to help it. Sadly there is no real fix or cure, just goin through life trying numerous things to get a even the smallest amount of relief!

Lack of support and motivation, wanting to lie down, taking medication frequently; having a whole pharmacy on top of the nightstand.

Then, the daily responses, “Why did you get so fat?” “I have this great diet, if you just go out and exercised. If you just keep going and moving, it will be better for you! If you just have a positive mindset it will change everything and you will feel better!

This is all somewhat true in a way, as for some these things do help. Sadly for others no matter how much you try , they don’t help, and that is one the hardest parts of this all!

Silent and invisible diseases do exist …When you have an invisible disease it is difficult to argue from your perspective with ignorant people. They will never understand! Just best to save your energy for getting through the day and trying to find some relief!

Sick of always being told:

❌Did you go to the doctor?

❌ Have you tried this?

❌ Have you tried that?

❌You just need to exercise more!

❌ I don’t know what else we can do for you…

❌ I know someone who has that, and they do this, why can’t you?

Yes! I have and still do try everything !!!

Doctor’s say I just have to learn to deal with and there isn’t anything else they can do! I will never give up and I really want to make others know…

❌ A nap will not make it better! !

❌Exercise will not help me!

❌I am not lazy, this illness drains my energy and I never get good sleep!

❌I am not angry but sometimes it all gets to be too much!

❌I struggle daily with pain, mobility problems, fatigue and cognitive issues!

❌Just because I have the energy in this moment, doesn’t mean that I will always have it! It disappears instantly whenever it wants to!

Most frustratingly, people look at me and say, “It can’t be that bad; you look good “

“You must be better, because you’re smiling!”

Despite the fact that my body is experiencing excruciating pain everywhere, of course I look good, I always try to look good and it is an “invisible” disease. You can’t see it, but I for sure can feel it! You can’t fix it and you probably will never understand, but the truth is, I don’t fully understand it either!

Just have patience with me and all the others that suffer with these health challenges, we are simply doing the best that we can with everything!

Things I’ve learned from this illness!

Having a chronic illness is life changing! All you can think about it getting a diagnosis and relief!

Let me tell you that it does not get any easier after you get the diagnosis! For most it is just a name to call you health challenges! Sadly for some, like me, the meds for that diagnosed illness don’t help!

❌With a diagnosis  of fibromyalgia you get looked at like you are crazy! You get treated differently because most don’t believe that fibromyalgia is a real illness. You see to get diagnosed with fibro you have to rule everything else out. There are some things doctors look for based off the similarities in the people effected by this illness. Nobody truly understands it and that understanding may never happen!

You are definitely not crazy and fibromyalgia is 100% real and as time goes on more & more medical professionals are seeing the truth of it every day!

❌ There is a lot to learn from dealing with fibro. One thing is that you don’t truly know pain and fatigue until you deal with it on the fibro scale. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not diminishing any other kind of pain or fatigue, but it just simply off the charts with fibro and there isn’t ever one certain thing that makes it all better.

❌ Understanding, you definitely learn understanding more of what some people go through. This illness is mostly invisible and therefore people tend to think you are faking it all. With dealing with all this, you get  a better understanding of looking fine and feeling like you were hit by a train and dragged 100 miles! It really is true that you don’t know anything until you have to deal with it yourself.

❌ Not one treatment works for everyone! There are many different things that can help improve your life with fibro, but sadly not one treatment will help everyone who suffers with this illness! Unfortunately for some the medications designed to help fibro just don’t work well! More and more research is being done and I do believe that there will be more definitive help for this illness coming!

❌ Just because we suffer from the same illness doesn’t mean we understand or are compassionate towards each other! One of the first thing I did when I was diagnosed with fibro was to jump on Facebook and find a support group, because I didn’t want to go sit with actually people and I wanted access to them all the time and not just on meeting days! I have learned being in these groups there is a lot of advice out there and a lot of help figuring this all out! There also is a lot of hate. Some people get angry when they see that other people can’t do things they can do! They say “if I can do you, why can’t you? , or “You’re stupid and just being lazy by not working when I am able to!” It can get bad in those groups, actually so bad that I left all but 2, because well I don’t need a bunch of groups and hate, just 1-2 groups with really good people!

❌ Pace yourself! I have learned to pace myself, though I still have trouble with it sometimes. I will sit down each week and see what I have coming up and plan out my time, now I know that it can be messed up at any moment depending on how I feel, but then something not so important gets pushed back! We need to go slower at our tasks than normal and take more breaks than usual! Like washing windows or walls, it’s too much to do in one day, so do one room a day as that is a big task, then you do little stuff if need!

❌ Lists, lists and more lists! I have lists and notes everywhere! I actually type out daily lists of everything to do including normal tasks like brush teeth and eat and drink water, sadly sometimes I will forget to eat! I have laminated lists and blank paper to write down things I want/need to do! Laminating it just saves paper and you can write and erase it so many times! If you can’t laminate something you can write on  glass or picture frames with dry erase markers, it’s so helpful! I do have note apps on my phone & tablet for when I am not near my paper or lists! They are so helpful! I also set reminders and timers with Alexa so I don’t completely lose track of time!

❌  Compassion & understanding! One of the biggest things that I have learned is compassion & understanding! It is so very true when people say you won’t understand until you go through it or deal with it! I knew that there were people suffering out there, but I didn’t understand it fully until this all started! Some will get upset and say “you look fine, why are you parking in a handicap space!” What they don’t understand is that not every disability or illness is visible! I don’t have a handicap sticker myself, even though some days I really need one! Once you experience everything an illness like this throws at you and all the hate from those who don’t understand, you finally get what it is all like and you can fully see what is all going on around you! Not that you weren’t seeing it before, but it’s a little bit more clearer now!

There are a ton of more things that I have learned throughout my journey with these health challenges, but I can’t remember any more at this time!

What are some things that you have learned dealing with all this torture?

I wish feelings were like Alexa

Hey Alexa, stop!

And she stops!

I wish a lot of other things were like Alexa, don’t you?

Hey fear, stop!

Hey crying, stop!

Hey worrying, stop!

Hey bad thoughts, stop!

Hey overthinking, stop!

Hey pain, stop!

Hey migraine, stop!

Hey sickness, stop!

Hey (insert issue here), stop!

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could say that and have it happen! Life would be so much easier! You could tell just about anything to stop and it would stop!

As good as that all sounds, I guess it would take all the fun & adventure out of our lives! We’d be happy to get rid of the bad stuff, but we would miss so much good tangled up in that bad! Seriously think of what we would miss out on if we could stop all of that! It’s kind of like the fast forward button on videos, tv, movie, ect.. We skip the parts we don’t like, but what if in those parts something amazing was hiding! There is something to learn and gain from every bad situation in our lives! Sometimes we can’t see it until years down the road! Now sadly not every bad part is going to have a good part, but there is a reason for it all even if we may never know that reason!

What would your life really look like if we just stopped everything we didn’t like or didn’t feel we had time for! Would you work, if work is not fun? If not, how would you do the things you love so much? Wow, way too many questions and thoughts in this area of it all!

Life would be a tad boring!

Chronic pain truths!

If we don’t say it hurts: It hurts!

If we say it does hurt: It really forking hurts!

No chronic pain doesn’t make your occasional aches and pains less valid!

But your occasional aches and pains don’t magically grant you understanding of what I feel everyday!

It’s okay to have moments when you grieve the loss of the old healthier you!

Myth: You can see when someone is in pain!


Fact: Chronic pain patients hide their pain so well that you would never know they’re really suffering!

One of the most frustrating thing about chronic pain is that you can do right and still be sick!

I am constantly torn between “I have things that need to be done and can’t let this illness run my life” and “I have to listen to my body and rest!”

I often feel a lot of pressure to show up to parties and events even when I feel absolutely terrible!

The unpredictability of being chronically ill makes staying on a schedule difficult!

Things my chronic illness sometime stops me from doing….

  1. Getting out of bed!
  2. Going out with family/friends!
  3. Having fun!
  4. Working/house work!

I miss working!

I miss working!

You, you read that correctly, I said it, I miss working! This coming from a person hates leaving the house and doesn’t like people! No I didn’t not mistake work with the people I worked with! Although, I do miss some people that I worked with from various jobs!

I have worked a lot of different jobs, a lot! I spent quite a few years working at a temp agency going to different places that needed temporary fill in, sometimes it was a new place every week! It was fun, but eventually I quit doing that! The one thing I hated about working besides the people, was doing the same thing over and over every day, gaah it was torture! I simply can’t handle or stand doing the same boring thing everyday! 

I also never found a place where they let my potential soar and truly appreciated me! I started working when I was 14 because I was bored and didn’t stop until my health challenges forced me to! I worked no matter what! I couldn’t use my right arm, I still worked! I could barely move because I injured my back, I still worked! I was sick, I still worked! I was taught to always work or I get fired!

I stayed at one job way too long! It was slowly killing me and sadly that is not an exaggeration! It was so horrible that I’d cry and vomit on my way to work! I don’t even know why I didn’t quit! The only reason I left was because they fired me, and they did that because they was tired of dealing with my health challenges that they caused through injury and abuse!

It kind of was a blessing that they fired me, because for some reason I wasn’t going to quit! And from there I made a pit stop at a retail store for a year and then found the job I had been looking for! This place was amazing, it didn’t pay the best, but they made up for that with kindness, opportunity and care! They loved me! I got to work closely with the owners, who came out daily to check on me because I told them all the health challenges I was facing and he wanted to make sure I was good! I received the opportunity to help make it an even better place to work and make sure the workers got the proper training to ensure the best quality products! Also the best part was that the work I did was different almost every night, depending on what needed to be made and sometimes you would have to switch between machines or molds in the machine in the same night. It was always changing and it was fun!

I do realize that this place has more than likely changed a bit since I had to leave and may not be as awesome as I remember, but I’m pretty sure that it is, for me at least! I know most didn’t like working there! I just appreciated being appreciated and having a fun friendly place to work and to me the working environment is more important than getting paid more!

I can tell you I wouldn’t be able to handle working with not working for around 4 years, I kinda lost my working speed and strength! If you don’t keep going or can’t keep going, you tend to lose it! Sadly my health challenges won’t let me work anymore and if you see me or even spend a day with me, you may never even know I have these challenges as they don’t show on the outside and I don’t go out unless I’m doing mostly good that day!

So many things that I want to do, so little ability to do them!