Nobody knows…

These four walls closing more everyday and I’m dying inside and nobody knows it but me…

The pain is real even if nobody knows and I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me…

I’m missing me and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody knows the pain that I feel!

The nights are long and the days are so sad, and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody will ever know the true feelings inside my head. They will never know the pain and torture living in my head. I wish I didn’t know about it either. Living with an invisible chronic illness doesn’t help things at all. It is a very hard life and I don’t wish it on anyone!

You try and get out of your head, but it is just so very very hard to do! Creating and craftiness helps distract me from it all. Listening to books and music is also very helpful, but at some point it all catches up with you and knocks you down.

We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about all of this. I say embrace it, let it out, scream, cry, break things if needed! Visiting these feelings and letting them out can be very good for you. It is okay to not be okay, let yourself deal with it. It is okay to visit and deal with it, just don’t unpack and live there. You need to find a way to deal with it all, find something that helps make you happy.

Never apologize for feeling hurt and sad, it is all part of being human. Never apologize for being you, for being real, it’s like apologizing for being human and that isn’t cool or necessary!

People hate for no reason and it’s becoming too easy and normal to do! I say let’s love for no reason! Less hate & more love!

You are beautiful, worth it, amazing and someone is happy just knowing that you exist! When you’re out doing life things, take the time to smile, wave or even say hi to someone, you never know it could just be the reason that they keep going in this life we live!

Nobody knows the horror that is in our heads, but maybe, just maybe it is time that people learn what is like, then possibly we could all learn to deal with it and help each other out and be a little bit happier!


Letter to my body

Dear body,

 I’ve known you my whole life and we have been through so much together!

I have always tried to be kind to you, I thought I was doing a good job!

I’m so sorry if I did something to hurt you!

I am so sorry if I neglected you sometimes!

I am sorry that I made you work so hard, but I just couldn’t just sit around!

I guess you might be able to tell that I am writing to you about some of our painful adventures together! I mean, come on they are our most memorable moments together, probably because the pain won’t ever let us forget! How rude!

You’ve given me a few hiccups growing up, but nothing too bad! I thought we were getting along well! The first 20 years of our lives we had so much fun doing so many jobs working through a temp agency, sometimes a new job every week, oh that was exciting!

The first 20 years together were good, but then it started to slowly go downhill! We already were suffering with migraines, not fun at all! Then I found out we had asthma, not too bad, but still a bit of a struggle as we worked with a lot of sprays and dust that you didn’t like! Oh the racing heart and pain that sent me to the hospital so many times with out any answers wasn’t any fun, but we made it through and now with the help of our meds, our heart doesn’t race as often anymore!

We got a break for a few years where nothing health wise happened and we were enjoying friends and family! Then the major fun started, and by fun I mean painful craziness!

I am sorry that I almost broke our tailbone when we fell down the stairs and boy does it flare up in pain still, ouch!

 Among other painful adventures I am so very sorry that I forced you to stay at a job that was slowly killing us, I mean for reals! There was so much hate there that you threw a fit every day driving there, but I was too scared to start all over at a new place, but we did it anyway after they hurt us and with that came all these new health issues! Then they kicked us out because they didn’t want to deal with it anymore!

But we were free from that hell and finally found a job that we loved and they loved us so much! I thought you were finally happy, but we slipped and fell so hard on the ice and more challenges continued to develop!

It finally got to be too much to handle and you forced me to stop working in 2017, I didn’t like that and I still wish, even with all the new crap going on in the world, that I could go to work! I’m also sorry that I didn’t stand up for us and demand better care with our doctors! I’m sorry that I didn’t watch our medical files closer to see all the lies they wrote about us, making it so we can’t get disability!

I hope that you can forgive me for falling so many times and causing so much pain! Believe me that our time isn’t over yet and I promise I’m going to do the best that can to get you help and relief from all this bullshirt we have to deal with now!

Have you ever written a letter to yourself or your body? Maybe a letter to your future or past self? I think It is a fun and thing to do, although this is the first letter I have ever written to myself! I’m not sure why I haven’t because I do like talking to myself! That’s not weird is it?  Ahhh, it doesn’t matter, weird is more fun!