Mental health….

Talking about mental health is not attention seeking! People die in silence everyday due to this judgment and then people finally say “I wish they would have said something!”

We live in a society that stigmatizes mental health but mourns suicide!

The axe forgets, but the tree remembers!!

If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you would never look me in the eye again!

Mental health relapses happen! It doesn’t mean all your healing is thrown away! Accept what comes and remember allowing yourself to feel, even the uncomfortable things, is part of the process!

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm!

The heart gets confused when it’s constantly told “I love you” by the same people who destroy it!

It’s not an apology:

I’m sorry, but….

I love you…..

Just forget about it…..

You’re being too sensitive…

It’s not my fault you feel that way…..

I didn’t mean it that way….

I will apologize if….

I’m sorry that you….

Let’s just move on….

I don’t  know anyone else who would get upset over this…..

I only said that because you….

If you know someone with a mental illness who has stopped showing their struggle, don’t assume it’s because they’ve gotten better!

Sometimes the moment they atop showing it is the moment they’re really getting worse!!

Are you okay??

No, I’m not okay! I am depressed, my life is falling apart, I want to tell someone! I want someone to hug me and tell me honestly that everything is going to be okay! I want to tell someone everything that is hurting and bothering and/or happening to me….

Sure, it’s okay, I’m fine, thanks!

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time! It’s fear of failing but no desire to be productive! It’s wanting friends but not wanting to go out and socialize!

It’s caring about everything and nothing at the same time! It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely!

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can!!

Mental illness is not a personal failure!!

Your feelings are valid!!

You deserve to be loved unconditionally!!

You deserve to be happy!!

If all you did was wake up and survive today, you are doing great!

You are enough!!!

What did you do today to make yourself feel good????

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Nobody knows…

These four walls closing more everyday and I’m dying inside and nobody knows it but me…

The pain is real even if nobody knows and I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me…

I’m missing me and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody knows the pain that I feel!

The nights are long and the days are so sad, and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody will ever know the true feelings inside my head. They will never know the pain and torture living in my head. I wish I didn’t know about it either. Living with an invisible chronic illness doesn’t help things at all. It is a very hard life and I don’t wish it on anyone!

You try and get out of your head, but it is just so very very hard to do! Creating and craftiness helps distract me from it all. Listening to books and music is also very helpful, but at some point it all catches up with you and knocks you down.

We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about all of this. I say embrace it, let it out, scream, cry, break things if needed! Visiting these feelings and letting them out can be very good for you. It is okay to not be okay, let yourself deal with it. It is okay to visit and deal with it, just don’t unpack and live there. You need to find a way to deal with it all, find something that helps make you happy.

Never apologize for feeling hurt and sad, it is all part of being human. Never apologize for being you, for being real, it’s like apologizing for being human and that isn’t cool or necessary!

People hate for no reason and it’s becoming too easy and normal to do! I say let’s love for no reason! Less hate & more love!

You are beautiful, worth it, amazing and someone is happy just knowing that you exist! When you’re out doing life things, take the time to smile, wave or even say hi to someone, you never know it could just be the reason that they keep going in this life we live!

Nobody knows the horror that is in our heads, but maybe, just maybe it is time that people learn what is like, then possibly we could all learn to deal with it and help each other out and be a little bit happier!

Can’t be that bad…

One of my  favorite quotes from someone is always “it can’t really be that bad if you are still able to do this or that.”  I told them I didn’t know I had a choice.

Years in pain, tired and the many changes in me for no apparent reason … Hiding everything from everyone, pretending to be doing better than you are, just so I don’t have to hear them complain and put me down because of it all! You just do what you can so you don’t feel worse from the comments and suggestions from others!

Then the moment comes when they tell you what you have … You have mixed feelings: you finally know what you have, but how do you deal with it? The relief in finally having something to call these health challenges, but still not knowing how to help it. Sadly there is no real fix or cure, just goin through life trying numerous things to get a even the smallest amount of relief!

Lack of support and motivation, wanting to lie down, taking medication frequently; having a whole pharmacy on top of the nightstand.

Then, the daily responses, “Why did you get so fat?” “I have this great diet, if you just go out and exercised. If you just keep going and moving, it will be better for you! If you just have a positive mindset it will change everything and you will feel better!

This is all somewhat true in a way, as for some these things do help. Sadly for others no matter how much you try , they don’t help, and that is one the hardest parts of this all!

Silent and invisible diseases do exist …When you have an invisible disease it is difficult to argue from your perspective with ignorant people. They will never understand! Just best to save your energy for getting through the day and trying to find some relief!

Sick of always being told:

❌Did you go to the doctor?

❌ Have you tried this?

❌ Have you tried that?

❌You just need to exercise more!

❌ I don’t know what else we can do for you…

❌ I know someone who has that, and they do this, why can’t you?

Yes! I have and still do try everything !!!

Doctor’s say I just have to learn to deal with and there isn’t anything else they can do! I will never give up and I really want to make others know…

❌ A nap will not make it better! !

❌Exercise will not help me!

❌I am not lazy, this illness drains my energy and I never get good sleep!

❌I am not angry but sometimes it all gets to be too much!

❌I struggle daily with pain, mobility problems, fatigue and cognitive issues!

❌Just because I have the energy in this moment, doesn’t mean that I will always have it! It disappears instantly whenever it wants to!

Most frustratingly, people look at me and say, “It can’t be that bad; you look good “

“You must be better, because you’re smiling!”

Despite the fact that my body is experiencing excruciating pain everywhere, of course I look good, I always try to look good and it is an “invisible” disease. You can’t see it, but I for sure can feel it! You can’t fix it and you probably will never understand, but the truth is, I don’t fully understand it either!

Just have patience with me and all the others that suffer with these health challenges, we are simply doing the best that we can with everything!

Things I’ve learned from this illness!

Having a chronic illness is life changing! All you can think about it getting a diagnosis and relief!

Let me tell you that it does not get any easier after you get the diagnosis! For most it is just a name to call you health challenges! Sadly for some, like me, the meds for that diagnosed illness don’t help!

❌With a diagnosis  of fibromyalgia you get looked at like you are crazy! You get treated differently because most don’t believe that fibromyalgia is a real illness. You see to get diagnosed with fibro you have to rule everything else out. There are some things doctors look for based off the similarities in the people effected by this illness. Nobody truly understands it and that understanding may never happen!

You are definitely not crazy and fibromyalgia is 100% real and as time goes on more & more medical professionals are seeing the truth of it every day!

❌ There is a lot to learn from dealing with fibro. One thing is that you don’t truly know pain and fatigue until you deal with it on the fibro scale. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not diminishing any other kind of pain or fatigue, but it just simply off the charts with fibro and there isn’t ever one certain thing that makes it all better.

❌ Understanding, you definitely learn understanding more of what some people go through. This illness is mostly invisible and therefore people tend to think you are faking it all. With dealing with all this, you get  a better understanding of looking fine and feeling like you were hit by a train and dragged 100 miles! It really is true that you don’t know anything until you have to deal with it yourself.

❌ Not one treatment works for everyone! There are many different things that can help improve your life with fibro, but sadly not one treatment will help everyone who suffers with this illness! Unfortunately for some the medications designed to help fibro just don’t work well! More and more research is being done and I do believe that there will be more definitive help for this illness coming!

❌ Just because we suffer from the same illness doesn’t mean we understand or are compassionate towards each other! One of the first thing I did when I was diagnosed with fibro was to jump on Facebook and find a support group, because I didn’t want to go sit with actually people and I wanted access to them all the time and not just on meeting days! I have learned being in these groups there is a lot of advice out there and a lot of help figuring this all out! There also is a lot of hate. Some people get angry when they see that other people can’t do things they can do! They say “if I can do you, why can’t you? , or “You’re stupid and just being lazy by not working when I am able to!” It can get bad in those groups, actually so bad that I left all but 2, because well I don’t need a bunch of groups and hate, just 1-2 groups with really good people!

❌ Pace yourself! I have learned to pace myself, though I still have trouble with it sometimes. I will sit down each week and see what I have coming up and plan out my time, now I know that it can be messed up at any moment depending on how I feel, but then something not so important gets pushed back! We need to go slower at our tasks than normal and take more breaks than usual! Like washing windows or walls, it’s too much to do in one day, so do one room a day as that is a big task, then you do little stuff if need!

❌ Lists, lists and more lists! I have lists and notes everywhere! I actually type out daily lists of everything to do including normal tasks like brush teeth and eat and drink water, sadly sometimes I will forget to eat! I have laminated lists and blank paper to write down things I want/need to do! Laminating it just saves paper and you can write and erase it so many times! If you can’t laminate something you can write on  glass or picture frames with dry erase markers, it’s so helpful! I do have note apps on my phone & tablet for when I am not near my paper or lists! They are so helpful! I also set reminders and timers with Alexa so I don’t completely lose track of time!

❌  Compassion & understanding! One of the biggest things that I have learned is compassion & understanding! It is so very true when people say you won’t understand until you go through it or deal with it! I knew that there were people suffering out there, but I didn’t understand it fully until this all started! Some will get upset and say “you look fine, why are you parking in a handicap space!” What they don’t understand is that not every disability or illness is visible! I don’t have a handicap sticker myself, even though some days I really need one! Once you experience everything an illness like this throws at you and all the hate from those who don’t understand, you finally get what it is all like and you can fully see what is all going on around you! Not that you weren’t seeing it before, but it’s a little bit more clearer now!

There are a ton of more things that I have learned throughout my journey with these health challenges, but I can’t remember any more at this time!

What are some things that you have learned dealing with all this torture?

Life Of Pain!

This life is a hard life! Not designed for the weak!

Did I always live a life of pain?? Oh no, I used to enjoy life without pain! I mean I still enjoy life, but it’s just a little harder to do these days!

What’s that? Oh, you want to know how it all started? Hmmm…

Oh ok! I’ll tell you! You don’t have to twist my arm! No, really don’t do it! I’ll cry!

My new alternate life started in 2011! Wow, can’t believe I’ve been like this for 6 years now!

Here we go……
One cold dark February morning, Sunny went to work. She thought it was just another day like every other day! Just going about her job, laughing and having fun! (Well as much fun that you can have at work!) Sunny didn’t really have a hard job. She made dry erase products! Who doesn’t love those? Sunny does! She put these dry erase sheets on magnet! I know, fun right? Just too give you a picture, Sunny is a tall woman! 5-11 actually. She had to lift rolls of 24inch wide rolls of 100ft magnet up to a table just above waist high! Did anyone help her? No, not that many helpful people there! Would you help her? I would if I could!

Sunny lifts and lifts these rolls to complete the order she had to do. Just working and working. BAM! OW! What was that? asked Sunny. Suddenly her back hurt! She couldn’t figure it out, she does this job all the time! For 7 years actually. Sunny relaxes and tells her friend that her back is hurting, but she will continue working. Oy, sunny thinks, this back pain is getting a little worse. Maybe I should tell my supervisor. She did, and finished the day.

Next day, Sunny manages to get to work, and tries to start her job. The pain in her back has other plans. Suddenly she can’t move. Sunny starts to panic, what is happening to me? She wonders. Immediately she goes to her supervisor, and he sends her to the doctor. Sunny’s doctor orders X-rays! Unfortunately, they don’t show anything! But the pain is awful, cries Sunny! Her doctor(Dr. Bev) believes her, but doesn’t know what happened.  Next came the MRI. Surprisingly that didn’t show anything either. Bev orders blood work, a lot of blood work. Sunny is afraid of needles.

Did you know that when Sunny was younger, it would take 3 people to hold her down to take blood, and they had trouble even with 3. Sunny was a strong little girl. She does better now, but still doesn’t like them! But blood work is so much better than IV’s! OY! Those are awful!

Hey Sunny, Focus! What? Oh, yeah, sorry, mind wondering!

Sunny’s blood work came back, not showing anything helpful. Meanwhile she is out of work! Sunny didn’t go back to work for three months. In that time, she had a lot of tests done! Seen some specialists that didn’t believe her. One said she was just crazy and depressed! Of course I’m depressed! Yelled Sunny! You try being in this much pain, with no answers!

Eventually Sunny did return to work, but only part time. The other part of the day was spent resting, or at therapy! Let me tell you, therapy is not fun! The only fun part is when I got to lay there with a tens unit (sticky pads hooked to wires and electronically message you) on and warm heating blanket! Best part! Well 7 months later, work insurance said I was done! That’s cool. But I don’t feel any better!

One day Sunny went to work and they had hired a new HR lady ! (The villain! 🤢) Villain asked Sunny into the office, and to meet her. The first words out of Villain’s mouth were “You either come back to work full time, or you’re fired!” Say what?? If Sunny was smart she would have left. See where I’m going with this? You guessed it, Sunny wasn’t smart. She stayed and suffered through a hellish eight hour work day. Day after day.

Meanwhile, Dr Bev diagnosed Sunny with Fibromyalgia and sent Her to Mary Free Bed. More therapy, job therapy, to learn how to work better, a new doctor, and therapist. Therapy was brutal. Sunny’s leg would go numb, and they made her walk fast on the treadmill anyway. So much hard work, with little strength. Sunny’s new doctor kept giving her sleeping pills. She didn’t want those, even though she needed sleep. They gave her nightmares.

Sunny’s therapist June was awesome. Sunny got to sit in a dark room and talk everything over. You see, Sunny didn’t have anyone to talk to. Her friends were abandoning her, because she couldn’t do everything for them, like they were used to. They didn’t understand what was happening to Sunny. Well, they didn’t try to understand either. June helped Sunny work through the pain. June taught Sunny how to focus on her breathing and hypnotize herself. That was the part of the visits Sunny loved the most. After a while June stated that the other doctors and nurses didn’t think She was doing her stretches. Even though Sunny was doing her stretches and everything she was told, things weren’t improving.

The only thing that did improve was Sunny’s attitude. June helped Sunny come to terms with what was going on, and learn how to deal with it better. Soon Sunny’s time at MFB ended. Still suffering everyday, Sunny soon learned what she could and couldn’t do, and how to somewhat manage her days. Sunny was able to get FMLA (which was supposed to protect her job while sick!). Work got harder and harder. Many days she had to stay home because she couldn’t move very well. Life was just too painful.

Fast forward a tad to February 2014. Sunny was going about her day working, doing the best she can. Villain came and asked to talk to her. Ok, this is a little weird, thought Sunny. BAM!! Villain fired Sunny! No reason, no nothing. Yes, I wanted to see you, because this is your last day, you’re done Sunny. Please leave. Said Villain. I’m sorry what? Asked Sunny. Why? Is this a joke? Nope, said Villain, clean out your locker and leave before I call the police! Long story short, Villain had worked there for about two years and had been trying to fire Sunny from day one. Finally she got one of the 3 owners to agree. Villain also waited until the one owner that could have stopped it, wasn’t there.

How upsetting, this situation made Sunny so upset and stressed, she spiraled into a big flare! That is full of pain and sickness! Luckily her x-bosses didn’t fight unemployment, and Sunny got a few months rest while looking for a job. She wasn’t bored at all. She loved the break from going to work in a very hateful place. She eventually got a retail job, and stayed there for a year. Sunny’s body didn’t like that job, weird hours that were all over the place, and the work was too hard.

August 2015, Sunny got a job very close to home. Which was amazing since she couldn’t see well driving in the dark. This job was so easy and had light duty work. Just the right kind of job. Sunny thought she could do that for a long time. Her illness had different plans.

Early 2016 Sunny began to get weaker and weaker! Her legs would go paralyzed. She couldn’t move them. Her pain levels shot to an eight! Ouch, that hurts! Cried Sunny. Literally cried, and cried! These episodes came and went! Bev sent sunny to a neurologist (Tay). Tay asked sunny a bunch of questions. Sunny tried to tell him everything. He wasn’t really listening. Tay told Sunny to try some sleeping pills. Wait, what!? I told you I may not be getting enough sleep, but that is not the problem. I have already tried those! Tay didn’t care, he just said try these, and I’ll see you again soon.

Sunny had to wait six months to see Dr Tay again. Mind you this is only her second visit. Tay told Sunny, “Since those didn’t work, let’s try therapy”. Oh no, demanded Sunny, I have been to therapy four different times, I have all the exercise papers, and still do them. It does not help, not wasting my time or money, please don’t make me do that! Ok, said Tay, then, well I guess I just don’t know why this is happening , call me if it gets worse. Umm, says Sunny, I wouldn’t come to you if it wasn’t bad!

Sunny was dismissed. She thought she just had to learn to live with it. She couldn’t figure out why this was happening or how to help it not happen.

August 2016 Sunny’s friend seen her post on Facebook and asked her to try an all natural product called Plexus. Skeptical Sunny tired it and was amazed! Wow, I can’t believe how much better I feel, cried Sunny. I have to continue. So Sunny jumped on the Plexus train. Her life got a little better. Her digestive issues were clearing up, her pain levels decreased. All in all everything was going well. Expect her heartburn. December 2016, Sunny had surgery to fix her hiatal hernia. Besides not being able to eat much. Sunny was feeling better! Then late January something happened! The pain in Sunny’s back kept getting worse. One day she woke up and couldn’t move her legs again.

Why does this keep happening? Cried Sunny, I was doing so good! I have not had any major problems in a while. Sunny only made it to work one day that week. When Sunny called in on Friday, she was told she had to figure something out, that she couldn’t keep calling in! Sunny cried. She thought they were understanding. Sunny did understand that they need people to show up and do the work. But they were working with her and her issues! Sunny was stressing about losing her job. Stress is not good for Sunny’s condition!

Frantically thinking of what she needs to do and setting up doctor appointments to go over options! Thinking that she may be able to go to work on Monday. Knowing that she is still in a lot of pain, and walking ok wouldn’t last long. But Sunny fears she may lose another job, due to this illness!

What will happen to Sunny?     Will she lose her job?   Will Dr. Bev figure out how to help her more?   Time will tell!

Sunny’s story isn’t done yet! Stay tuned…To be continued…