Nobody knows…

These four walls closing more everyday and I’m dying inside and nobody knows it but me…

The pain is real even if nobody knows and I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me…

I’m missing me and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody knows the pain that I feel!

The nights are long and the days are so sad, and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody will ever know the true feelings inside my head. They will never know the pain and torture living in my head. I wish I didn’t know about it either. Living with an invisible chronic illness doesn’t help things at all. It is a very hard life and I don’t wish it on anyone!

You try and get out of your head, but it is just so very very hard to do! Creating and craftiness helps distract me from it all. Listening to books and music is also very helpful, but at some point it all catches up with you and knocks you down.

We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about all of this. I say embrace it, let it out, scream, cry, break things if needed! Visiting these feelings and letting them out can be very good for you. It is okay to not be okay, let yourself deal with it. It is okay to visit and deal with it, just don’t unpack and live there. You need to find a way to deal with it all, find something that helps make you happy.

Never apologize for feeling hurt and sad, it is all part of being human. Never apologize for being you, for being real, it’s like apologizing for being human and that isn’t cool or necessary!

People hate for no reason and it’s becoming too easy and normal to do! I say let’s love for no reason! Less hate & more love!

You are beautiful, worth it, amazing and someone is happy just knowing that you exist! When you’re out doing life things, take the time to smile, wave or even say hi to someone, you never know it could just be the reason that they keep going in this life we live!

Nobody knows the horror that is in our heads, but maybe, just maybe it is time that people learn what is like, then possibly we could all learn to deal with it and help each other out and be a little bit happier!


Sometimes you are the monster!

I begin tucking him into bed and he tells me, “Mommy, check for monsters under my bead.” I look under his bed for his amusement and see him, another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Mommy, there’s somebody on my bed.”

Monsters are everywhere and some are really bad and there are some that are very good. There are  even some monsters that are bad, but for a very good reason! How can a monster be bad for a gold reason, you ask. Well I think that there are monsters in all of us and if something awful keeps happening to us and we don’t do anything about and just push it all down, we will blow up some day and do something awful. In a way it may be good if it means our life is saved from the evil that has attacked us for so long! Sadly there are times when we blow up and it doesn’t do much good. We just scream and yell and let it all out, but the real monsters don’t actually learn anything!

These monsters act like they are being attacked and hurt. Often they get angrier and come back even worse and other times they just act hurt, and no doubt they are, but they have been hurting you for so much longer! They make it seem like you are the monster and you’ve been hurting them! These kind of monsters must be stopped!

The monsters inside of us are often screaming to get out! It’s up to you if it is good or bad! As you know, we are always our own worst enemy, we are always harder on ourselves than others! Sometimes that is more true because of how others treat us! When others put us down and such, if we hear these things enough on repeat, we start to believe that it is all true, no matter how wrong it is! We may eventually forgive those that do this, but we will never forget as it is drilled into our brains what a failure we are! These situations and words tend to create a monster in us! This monster is always there to remind us how we are not good for anything, and sometimes no matter how much work we or others do to reverse these words, it doesn’t always work as too much damage has been done!

Sadly since the damage can not be reversed it often creates monsters in those just doing everything they can do to love us! They don’t deserve the hatred that they receive, but we are so used to the hell, that it is very hard to let it go and see that these new people love us so much and would never hurt us! Sometimes we can never be with anyone else because of all this! These monsters can take over and destroy everything and everyone we love, and we just can’t control it! Sometimes these monsters win, it is up to us to do everything, within reason,  we can do to stop them!

Do you have a monster, or live with one? If so, I truly hope that you are able to tame and get control of them, or get free from them and can learn to overcome all the damage that they have done and find happiness once again!

I am too much!

I’m too much!

For reals!

I get overly excited about everything! I tend to get very emotional about even the simplest things also! My brain activity is like dumping the junk drawer onto a trampoline, bouncing like crazy!

I am very quiet and shy at first!

I also get carried away with joking and having fun once I get to know people!

I think fast!

I lose my filter sometimes!

I speak the truth, no matter what, even if you don’t want to hear it!

I love music!

I love audiobooks!

I don’t like to talk about myself!

On rare occasions, I tend to overshare on my health & life!

I’d rather listen than talk!

I love hearing everyone’s life stories!

I am always trying to make & keep everyone happy!

Other times, I am trying to hide in my closet, thinking the world is crashing down on me!

Give me music or audiobooks  to listen to or Disney + to watch and, I’ll be good in a day!

I apologize all the time, even when I shouldn’t! I also apologize for apologizing!

I love collecting small things!

Very small things!

And stuffed animals!

I love stuffed animals and all the accessories!

I love dollhouses and all that goes with them!

I love crafting!

I Love designing and creating things!

I love to help others!

I love to figure things out!

I love to provide the right answers and fix everything! This I feel is one of my stronger qualities, and also one of my biggest faults! Not everyone likes people to do this! Sometimes it is too much! Sometimes it causes more of a mess than good!

I cry about things I have no control over!

I cry about American patriotism!

I cry alone!

I cry in my sleep!

I’m too much!

I’m a handful!

When I’m chill, I’m way too chill!

But when I’m not …. Oh it gets fun!

Sometimes I feel I am too much!

I get quiet! I play dumb! I tuck myself in a corner and just watch!

I box up my excitement!

I just watch people!

I love to study people! I love to see how everyone ticks, how we all are different and why everyone does what they do!

I convinced myself I had to be less!

I had to be quiet!

I feel I can’t speak my mind!

I feel I am not allowed to feel how I feel!

 I overthink everything! Did I really say that? I should have said this! I should have done this? Why did I do that? What if? When? Why? How? What?

I am too much, but it is a lot of fun and I get carried away!

I dream big!

I give hard! I forgive hard! I work hard! I love hard! I laugh hard! I joke hard! I cry hard! I mess up hard! I fall hard, but I always get back up and keep going!

When I’m in, I am ALL in!

Once I have been pushed too far and I’m done, I am ALL done! I may still like you and/or love you, but I don’t have to deal with your crap & I’m just done! Its “whatever” now!

You want to know a secret?

It’s okay!

It’s all okay!

Whether you feel that you are “too much” like me or not, IT IS OKAY!

Never apologize for being you!

Never apologize for how you live!

Apologizing for any of it, is like apologizing for being real, for being alive! Never do that! I know easier said than done!

Be real!

Be you!

Be too much! Or not, if that’s what you prefer!

Go crazy, have fun!

Dream big!

Do everything you have always wanted to do!