I stabbed myself…

I never thought that I would stab myself! I never thought even though it was so very painful to do that it would give so much needed relief!

I have had migraines since I was 15, they definitely are not any fun! I named my migraine Julie (Previous blood post) and she does not like to leave me alone! Along with the horrific pain I get extreme sound & light sensitivity and very dizzy and nauseous! I was able to somewhat control Julie but as I got older she got more aggressive!

For years I was only prescribed Imitrex, which did not help! I had like 4 different meds/OTC meds and a heated eye mask to try to help get rid of Julie as soon as possible or get some sort of relief as once she shows up she stays for at least 4 days.

January through end of March are always the worst time as Julie is there with me EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I couldn’t live like this anymore and was fed up with the treatment of the migraines I was receiving. I finally convinced my pcp to try something else and actually got a medication that somewhat knocked the pain down, not to an “I can ignore it” level but it was a little better. Unfortunately we had to try this med for a bit before we could go to the insurance company to get better meds.

I wasn’t thrilled with going back to the neurologist I had dealt with before, but then thought it would be okay as we were dealing with migraines and those are more understandable. I was prescribed Emgality and it took over 2 months to get the insurance company to approve it!

I was not expecting anything miraculous and being very very scared of needles was not thrilled with the idea of stabbing myself every month, but that is how much I am over dealing with Julie.

I finally got the injection meds in the beginning of December and holy rusted metal Batman did that freaking hurt! I almost vomited it hurt that bad to inject the meds into my leg, but I insisted that I needed to do it myself. I was amazed with the results! It kick Julie in the face,, the pain was gone and I mean GONE! Oh sure the nausea, dizziness, light & sound sensitivity ramped up, but the level 12 pain disappeared. “POOF”

I was told it could take a few weeks to kick in and work but the pain was gone with in a day. The last week of December Julie showed up with the pain again, and sadly had to wait until January 7 to do another injection as they have to be 30 days apart. I got used to the very little to no pain for the month that I hated having it back and it has been very hard to wait for relief when you know how good it was!

At my most recent check up with the neurologist, she said it will only get better the more you take the medication. I am very impressed and optimistic about this medication. I have been searching for and trying so many different ways to get relief from Julie and am beyond thrilled to finally have some! After so many many years of dealing with this horrible pain it is still surprising at how you forget how bad it was when you have a couple weeks of relief.

I highly doubt that this will ever make me like needles, but I may get used to and okay with this injection!

I almost couldn’t stab myself again on January 7, the thought of all that pain and fear of needles almost got me to not do it! I made myself do it and it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the first time, but it still hurt a lot!  I will probably encounter that every time but it is so worth it to lessen and/or end the pain.

Julie is still hanging around right now, but she is only causing and dull ache, enough to know she is there but not enough to be a huge problem. Dizziness and lightheadedness is still ramped up and I look forward to that lessening as well.

My thoughts are so far I am very impressed with Emgality and will continue to stab myself once a month.

If you suffer with migraines (which I truly hope that you don’t) how bad are they? What helps knock the pain down?

Can’t be that bad…

One of my  favorite quotes from someone is always “it can’t really be that bad if you are still able to do this or that.”  I told them I didn’t know I had a choice.

Years in pain, tired and the many changes in me for no apparent reason … Hiding everything from everyone, pretending to be doing better than you are, just so I don’t have to hear them complain and put me down because of it all! You just do what you can so you don’t feel worse from the comments and suggestions from others!

Then the moment comes when they tell you what you have … You have mixed feelings: you finally know what you have, but how do you deal with it? The relief in finally having something to call these health challenges, but still not knowing how to help it. Sadly there is no real fix or cure, just goin through life trying numerous things to get a even the smallest amount of relief!

Lack of support and motivation, wanting to lie down, taking medication frequently; having a whole pharmacy on top of the nightstand.

Then, the daily responses, “Why did you get so fat?” “I have this great diet, if you just go out and exercised. If you just keep going and moving, it will be better for you! If you just have a positive mindset it will change everything and you will feel better!

This is all somewhat true in a way, as for some these things do help. Sadly for others no matter how much you try , they don’t help, and that is one the hardest parts of this all!

Silent and invisible diseases do exist …When you have an invisible disease it is difficult to argue from your perspective with ignorant people. They will never understand! Just best to save your energy for getting through the day and trying to find some relief!

Sick of always being told:

❌Did you go to the doctor?

❌ Have you tried this?

❌ Have you tried that?

❌You just need to exercise more!

❌ I don’t know what else we can do for you…

❌ I know someone who has that, and they do this, why can’t you?

Yes! I have and still do try everything !!!

Doctor’s say I just have to learn to deal with and there isn’t anything else they can do! I will never give up and I really want to make others know…

❌ A nap will not make it better! !

❌Exercise will not help me!

❌I am not lazy, this illness drains my energy and I never get good sleep!

❌I am not angry but sometimes it all gets to be too much!

❌I struggle daily with pain, mobility problems, fatigue and cognitive issues!

❌Just because I have the energy in this moment, doesn’t mean that I will always have it! It disappears instantly whenever it wants to!

Most frustratingly, people look at me and say, “It can’t be that bad; you look good “

“You must be better, because you’re smiling!”

Despite the fact that my body is experiencing excruciating pain everywhere, of course I look good, I always try to look good and it is an “invisible” disease. You can’t see it, but I for sure can feel it! You can’t fix it and you probably will never understand, but the truth is, I don’t fully understand it either!

Just have patience with me and all the others that suffer with these health challenges, we are simply doing the best that we can with everything!

Oh Julie….

Julie is mean and I really really don’t like her! She showed up in my life a long time ago and refuses to leave, I’ve never wanted someone to leave so bad! I never invite her over but she just shows up and ends up staying around for days! I try so hard to get her to leave but she just is too stubborn and won’t go easily!

She gets so bad some days that I want to cry and vomit, it’s disgusting! She just doesn’t get the fact that I don’t want her hanging around! I have meds that are supposed to help keep Julie away but sadly they haven’t been helping much! She causes so much pain, dizziness, nausea, vision issues and more! I’m so mad at her, I could spit!

I should probably tell you that Julie is a human, but an ugly migraine! Yup I named my migraines, I mean why not, they name storm & hurricanes!

They say the peppermint is great for migraines, but sadly I am allergic to peppermint and it gives me a migraine! I do know some of my migraine triggers, peppermint, eucalyptus, cinnamon, the 1st 3 months of the year! No joke on that last one, 24/7 migraine for at least 2 1/2 months (Jan-March). I finally broke down and bought some Excedrin migraine pills, they dull the pain a tiny bit sometimes, but I can’t takes this a lot as they have caffeine in them and I can’t consume caffeine anymore since my Nissan Fundoplication (they should take the “fun” part out of that word, since it’s no where near fun).

I went to see my pcp to talk about better meds. I am so tired of Julie that I asked for an injection medication and I am absolutely horrified of needles, but I am to the point of trying anything! I’ve tried CBD oil and the taste and the way it made me feel, I don’t want to take it! My pcp increased the dose of the Imitrex I was taking from 50 to 100, that didn’t help at all which I’ve been telling them for years, and it added extreme pain in my neck and shoulders for a good hour, it got so bad I was ready to go to the ER! I finally got off that one and tried another as she said insurance won’t cover the good meds until I try other meds of course! The new meds help to dull the pain a bit, but not enough! I would love to be able to go places without carrying a drug store with me because I need 3 different meds to get calm down Julie! My nausea meds help a little too as Julie makes me very nauseous!

Next step is seeing a neurologist, which isn’t fun for me as they don’t ever take me seriously! Of course this is one that I have seen before and didn’t really like, but there aren’t any others around here! I said I’d go see him as this is migraines we are dealing with and not some mystery he doesn’t want to solve! The only thing is I am afraid that he will messed around with the little shit they like to do oh so much that I have already tired and drag this out instead of saying oh let’s get rid of Julie shall we! I could be surprised and he may jump on it and tackle it good right away, but seriously I’ve seen him before so I have more doubts about that!

I may have a “small” issue getting along with some doctors as I can tell if they will be a good match for me and helpful within 15 seconds! I am very rarely wrong about that even with going in very optimistic and hopeful! I have tendency to let them spew their bullshit and then tell them what I feel and they won’t want to help me anymore! Sorry, not sorry, but I am dealing with myself & my health here and have learned to not take their meaninglessness bullshirt anymore! I have said it a million times, doctors need to go back to school and learn how to talk and listen to their patients and learn that not one thing works for every person! They could learn a ton from their nurses and aides as they are usually always amazing! Shhhhh, I could go on for days, but I’ll shoosh myself here!

Here’s hoping this doctor can help get rid of Julie, or at least make it so she can’t Vivian as often! My door mat says “GO AWAY”, not “WELCOME”!

Do you deal with migraines? Do they stick around so much that you named them? What works for you to ease the pain?

Things I’ve learned from this illness!

Having a chronic illness is life changing! All you can think about it getting a diagnosis and relief!

Let me tell you that it does not get any easier after you get the diagnosis! For most it is just a name to call you health challenges! Sadly for some, like me, the meds for that diagnosed illness don’t help!

❌With a diagnosis  of fibromyalgia you get looked at like you are crazy! You get treated differently because most don’t believe that fibromyalgia is a real illness. You see to get diagnosed with fibro you have to rule everything else out. There are some things doctors look for based off the similarities in the people effected by this illness. Nobody truly understands it and that understanding may never happen!

You are definitely not crazy and fibromyalgia is 100% real and as time goes on more & more medical professionals are seeing the truth of it every day!

❌ There is a lot to learn from dealing with fibro. One thing is that you don’t truly know pain and fatigue until you deal with it on the fibro scale. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not diminishing any other kind of pain or fatigue, but it just simply off the charts with fibro and there isn’t ever one certain thing that makes it all better.

❌ Understanding, you definitely learn understanding more of what some people go through. This illness is mostly invisible and therefore people tend to think you are faking it all. With dealing with all this, you get  a better understanding of looking fine and feeling like you were hit by a train and dragged 100 miles! It really is true that you don’t know anything until you have to deal with it yourself.

❌ Not one treatment works for everyone! There are many different things that can help improve your life with fibro, but sadly not one treatment will help everyone who suffers with this illness! Unfortunately for some the medications designed to help fibro just don’t work well! More and more research is being done and I do believe that there will be more definitive help for this illness coming!

❌ Just because we suffer from the same illness doesn’t mean we understand or are compassionate towards each other! One of the first thing I did when I was diagnosed with fibro was to jump on Facebook and find a support group, because I didn’t want to go sit with actually people and I wanted access to them all the time and not just on meeting days! I have learned being in these groups there is a lot of advice out there and a lot of help figuring this all out! There also is a lot of hate. Some people get angry when they see that other people can’t do things they can do! They say “if I can do you, why can’t you? , or “You’re stupid and just being lazy by not working when I am able to!” It can get bad in those groups, actually so bad that I left all but 2, because well I don’t need a bunch of groups and hate, just 1-2 groups with really good people!

❌ Pace yourself! I have learned to pace myself, though I still have trouble with it sometimes. I will sit down each week and see what I have coming up and plan out my time, now I know that it can be messed up at any moment depending on how I feel, but then something not so important gets pushed back! We need to go slower at our tasks than normal and take more breaks than usual! Like washing windows or walls, it’s too much to do in one day, so do one room a day as that is a big task, then you do little stuff if need!

❌ Lists, lists and more lists! I have lists and notes everywhere! I actually type out daily lists of everything to do including normal tasks like brush teeth and eat and drink water, sadly sometimes I will forget to eat! I have laminated lists and blank paper to write down things I want/need to do! Laminating it just saves paper and you can write and erase it so many times! If you can’t laminate something you can write on  glass or picture frames with dry erase markers, it’s so helpful! I do have note apps on my phone & tablet for when I am not near my paper or lists! They are so helpful! I also set reminders and timers with Alexa so I don’t completely lose track of time!

❌  Compassion & understanding! One of the biggest things that I have learned is compassion & understanding! It is so very true when people say you won’t understand until you go through it or deal with it! I knew that there were people suffering out there, but I didn’t understand it fully until this all started! Some will get upset and say “you look fine, why are you parking in a handicap space!” What they don’t understand is that not every disability or illness is visible! I don’t have a handicap sticker myself, even though some days I really need one! Once you experience everything an illness like this throws at you and all the hate from those who don’t understand, you finally get what it is all like and you can fully see what is all going on around you! Not that you weren’t seeing it before, but it’s a little bit more clearer now!

There are a ton of more things that I have learned throughout my journey with these health challenges, but I can’t remember any more at this time!

What are some things that you have learned dealing with all this torture?

One cord

Did you think this was going to be about music? Naaah, I do love music but don’t have any musical skills! Nope, this is about those little cords that help us talk!

What is it like to live with only one functional vocal cord?

Painful and exhausting for sure! The “frog in your throat feeling” with no way to clear it! You try and clear your throat and it just causes more & more pain! Some days are worse than others and you have to decide is what you want to say necessary? Sometimes you just have to deal with the pain as you need to talk, but often I chose not to talk because I am tired of the pain!

I unfortunately had to have my right thyroid removed in 2013 as the biopsy had come back too abnormal and the doctor couldn’t tell if the lump on my thyroid was cancerous or not, so he said it had to come out! Thankfully it turned out not to be!

There are always risks that come with every surgery and this one had the chance of damaging the vocal cords as they run right by/through the thyroid. After the surgery my doctor said everything looked good and I had no issues speaking at the time! A week later that all changed!

A week after the surgery I lost my voice almost completely and I could barely talk for 3 months, that was a lot of fun! Well, most people enjoyed it more than I did as I couldn’t really say anything to them when they talked to me or joked around! That was a very long 3 months! After that my voice slowly came back slowly, but unfortunately I learned that my right vocal cord was paralyzed!

When one of your vocal cords doesn’t work, the remaining one tries to compensate for it and works overtime! This causes a lot of pain, and I mean a lot! You never know how much a vocal cord does until it doesn’t do it anymore! Talking, breathing and even eating is hard when your remaining vocal cord works too hard and it all starts to hurt!

I can no longer talk loud, yell, scream or project my voice in any way, if I do, a ton of pain happens! As with most of my health challenges you can’t see and most of the time won’t hear how this effects me! Not many people will understand when you say that you don’t like to talk on the phone or in person much as it hurts too much!

Cepacol lozenges are great for numbing the pain, but with that comes overworking the good vocal cord and such because you can’t feel it, so at times the pain will get worse when that numbness wears off! And of course you can’t just eat those all day long, I tried and got sick, yuck!

All the vocal cord paralysis challenges got even worse when I had to have surgery to fix the Gerd and hiatal hernia! That is a whole box of fun with it’s  surgery complications by itself! Breathing got so much worse after that surgery that I had to go to speech therapy to help me breath better. Yes there is a thing called breathing therapy, who knew? Not me!

While the therapy did help me breathe a little bit better, there was no helping my vocal cord! I remember seeing this therapist before and she told me this time that she is impatient when it comes to anything working! Can you imagine that, a speech therapist being impatient and wanting to end the therapy sessions because what she is trying just isn’t working! Well, yup we ended the sessions, and I more than likely will say no to going back if my doctor suggests it. As with all my other therapy sessions I saved all my paperwork and can work on everything myself at home and I never get the results either of us want in these sessions!

When I was working I had to always talk quite a bit, no matter what job I had. I really tried hard to find a mini bullhorn or voice amplifier, but at the time I could not find any, sure now I can, but I don’t need one anymore! I do have an app downloaded on my phone that I can type what I want to say into and it will say it, but that takes so much time, I rarely have to use, but it will remain there just incase!

There are a couple different things the doctor could do for me and that is: injections in the vocal cord to try to get it to work some, a surgery where they would go in and physically move the right vocal cord closer to the left so the left one didn’t have to work so much or go to a different speech therapist more specialized in this area! Sadly there is no guarantee that any of it will help and he said with my history of getting all the complications from surgeries he didn’t really recommend it!

2019 the lump on my left thyroid had gotten bigger, so I had to go get that biopsied, man I really hate those huge needles being stuck in my neck and wiggled around and they tell you not to swallow during it, that’s very hard not to do. Of course since the way it all went last time I started freaking out that I might have to have surgery again and what would happen if my left vocal cord was paralyzed? I heard that people have had that happen, but I don’t know how they go about life with it! Very scary to think about, would I be able to talk? How would it affect my breathing? What would it be like with 2 paralyzed vocal cords? So many questions and never enough answers! Thankfully the biopsy came back normal this time and we just have to continue to watch it.

So for now we just continue the fun of living with one good vocal cord and hoping the lump on my left thyroid never becomes an bigger issue!

I’m sorry for your pain

My dear friend,

I am so sorry for your pain.

Don’t worry; no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.

I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear. God, I remember the fear.

I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.

I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.

I know that the fear feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.

I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep learning curve. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.

You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what you want to be. Worse, you’ll think  that you don’t even know what you need be. You do. I promise. You will.

That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you. Hell, I am you.

You will find people in your life who get it and some that don’t. You’ll find some that want to get it and some that never will. You’ll find a closeness with people you never thought you had anything in common with. You’ll find comfort and relief with friends who speak your new language. You’ll find your village.

You’ll change. One day you’ll notice a shift. You’ll realize that certain words have dropped out of your lexicon. The ones you hadn’t ever thought could be hurtful.  Gimp, lazy, malingerer, stupid.   Never again. You won’t laugh at vulnerability. You’ll see the world through a lens of sensitivity. The people around you will notice. You’ll change them too.

You will learn to ask for help. You’ll have to. It won’t be easy. You’ll forget sometimes. Life will remind you.

You will read more than you can process. You’ll buy books that you can’t handle reading. You’ll feel guilty that they’re sitting by the side of the bed unopened. Take small bites. The information isn’t going anywhere. Let your heart heal. It will. Breathe. You can.

You will blame yourself. You’ll think you missed signs you should have seen. You’ll be convinced that you should have known. That you should have somehow gotten help earlier. You couldn’t have known. Don’t let yourself live there for long.

You will dig deep and find reserves of energy you never would have believed you had. You will run on adrenaline and crash into dreamless sleep. But you will come through it. I swear, you will. You will find a rhythm.

You will neglect yourself. You will suddenly realize that you haven’t stopped moving. You’ve taken care of everyone but you. You will forget how important it is to take care of yourself. Listen to me. If you hear nothing else, hear this. You MUST take care of yourself. You are no use to anyone unless you take care of yourself first. I mean that holistically, my friend. Nourished, rested, soul-fed. Your children and others deserve that example.

A friend will force you outside. You will look at the sky. Follow the clouds upward. Try to find where they end. You’ll need that. You’ll need the air. You’ll need to remember how small we all really are.

You will question your faith. Or find it. Maybe both.

You will never, ever take progress for granted. Every milestone met, no matter what the timing, will be cause for celebration. Every baby step will be a quantum leap. You will find the people who understand that. You will revel in their support and love and shared excitement.

You will encounter people who care for you in ways that restore your faith in humanity. You will cherish the friends and people and doctors who see past your challenges and who truly understand your strengths. They will feel like family.

You will examine and re-examine every one of your own insecurities. You will recognize some of other’s challenges as your own. You will get to know yourself. You will look to the tools you have used to mitigate your own challenges. You will share them. You will be better for it.

You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

If you are a parent, you will worry about your children. You will feel like you’re not giving them enough time. You will find the time. Yes, you will. No, really. You will. You will discover that the time that means something to them is not big. It’s not a trip to the circus. It doesn’t involve planning. It’s free. You will forget the dog and pony shows. Instead, you will find fifteen minutes before bed. You will close the door. You will sit on the floor. You’ll play Barbies with your daughter or Legos with your son. You’ll talk. You’ll listen. You’ll listen some more. You’ll start to believe they’ll be OK. And they will. You will be a better parent for all of it.

You will find the tools that you need. You will take bits and pieces of different theories and practices. You’ll talk to peers and doctors and therapists. You’ll take something from each of them. You’ll even find value in those you don’t agree with at all. Sometimes the most. From the scraps that you gather, you will start to build your quilt. A little of this, a little of that, a lot of love.

You will speak hesitantly at first, but you’ll find your voice. You will come to see that no one knows you better than you do. You will respectfully listen to the experts in each field. You will value their experience and their knowledge. But you will ultimately remember that while they are the experts in science, you are the expert in you.

You will think you can’t handle it. You will be wrong.

This is not an easy road, but its “rewards” at times are tremendous. The remissions, however small, are the very sweetest of life’s nectar. You will drink them in and taste and smell and feel every last drop of them.

You will be OK.

And I will be here for you. Every step of the way.

I couldn’t do it!

I often get told “Wow, I don’t know how you do it, I wouldn’t be able to do it!”

My reply “I don’t have a choice, and you could do it”! It’s easy to say I couldn’t be able to handle that because you aren’t going through it, but when you are, you don’t have any other choice! 

I didn’t choose the chronic illness life, the chronic illness life chose me! Why this happens, I will never know, but it happens too much to a lot of people! When you are faced with this painful new life, it is extremely hard to deal with in the beginning, actually it is always hard, but sadly you get used to living with it and you adjust accordingly to get the most out of this life!

With the help of family , friends and doctors, you learn how to manage it and live with it! Sometimes it get really bad and you just can’t handle it well and that is going to happen a lot! No matter how used to this new painful life you get, it is always going to be hard! You can’t do everything that you used to be able to do! You now have to depend on more people, even for simple tasks and that is very hard to do!

You could be part of the lucky group of people and find a way to manage all the pain and fun that comes with these chronic illnesses, to where you can live a more active and better life. There will still be times where it will knock you down for a while, but that will eventually ease up and you can get back to the fun! If you are not blessed enough to be part of that group, I truly hope that you have a good support system, especially if you can’t work and they deny you disability! Depending on the illness, that is something that is hard to get!

Having a chronic illness is not only very painful and exhausting, it is also extremely frustrating because some of them don’t show up on any test that the doctors run. You are now stuck with having to figure out how to live with it and you also have to deal with all the people that don’t believe you or understand your illness, because you don’t look sick. Although you don’t owe them any explanations, it can be hurtful and frustrating that they don’t believe you and trying to prove it all, although you seriously don’t have to prove anything! You know what is going on with your body, just getting the right help can be difficult!

I often thought , why don’t people support causes until they have to deal with what illness the cause supports! Well, the answer is pretty simple, they don’t do it because they don’t fully understand until they or a family member has to go through it! Then they will research and learn more about it in efforts to fix it and support it! If only it were simpler than that!

It is very true that you will never understand it until you have to deal with it, no matter how much you research it, you still get more and better knowledge when you have to live it! I promise you that you can and will learn to deal with it! Well, mostly, as these illnesses always have a way of surprising you! You will find something that helps you to some degree or possibly more!

Life Of Pain!

This life is a hard life! Not designed for the weak!

Did I always live a life of pain?? Oh no, I used to enjoy life without pain! I mean I still enjoy life, but it’s just a little harder to do these days!

What’s that? Oh, you want to know how it all started? Hmmm…

Oh ok! I’ll tell you! You don’t have to twist my arm! No, really don’t do it! I’ll cry!

My new alternate life started in 2011! Wow, can’t believe I’ve been like this for 6 years now!

Here we go……
One cold dark February morning, Sunny went to work. She thought it was just another day like every other day! Just going about her job, laughing and having fun! (Well as much fun that you can have at work!) Sunny didn’t really have a hard job. She made dry erase products! Who doesn’t love those? Sunny does! She put these dry erase sheets on magnet! I know, fun right? Just too give you a picture, Sunny is a tall woman! 5-11 actually. She had to lift rolls of 24inch wide rolls of 100ft magnet up to a table just above waist high! Did anyone help her? No, not that many helpful people there! Would you help her? I would if I could!

Sunny lifts and lifts these rolls to complete the order she had to do. Just working and working. BAM! OW! What was that? asked Sunny. Suddenly her back hurt! She couldn’t figure it out, she does this job all the time! For 7 years actually. Sunny relaxes and tells her friend that her back is hurting, but she will continue working. Oy, sunny thinks, this back pain is getting a little worse. Maybe I should tell my supervisor. She did, and finished the day.

Next day, Sunny manages to get to work, and tries to start her job. The pain in her back has other plans. Suddenly she can’t move. Sunny starts to panic, what is happening to me? She wonders. Immediately she goes to her supervisor, and he sends her to the doctor. Sunny’s doctor orders X-rays! Unfortunately, they don’t show anything! But the pain is awful, cries Sunny! Her doctor(Dr. Bev) believes her, but doesn’t know what happened.  Next came the MRI. Surprisingly that didn’t show anything either. Bev orders blood work, a lot of blood work. Sunny is afraid of needles.

Did you know that when Sunny was younger, it would take 3 people to hold her down to take blood, and they had trouble even with 3. Sunny was a strong little girl. She does better now, but still doesn’t like them! But blood work is so much better than IV’s! OY! Those are awful!

Hey Sunny, Focus! What? Oh, yeah, sorry, mind wondering!

Sunny’s blood work came back, not showing anything helpful. Meanwhile she is out of work! Sunny didn’t go back to work for three months. In that time, she had a lot of tests done! Seen some specialists that didn’t believe her. One said she was just crazy and depressed! Of course I’m depressed! Yelled Sunny! You try being in this much pain, with no answers!

Eventually Sunny did return to work, but only part time. The other part of the day was spent resting, or at therapy! Let me tell you, therapy is not fun! The only fun part is when I got to lay there with a tens unit (sticky pads hooked to wires and electronically message you) on and warm heating blanket! Best part! Well 7 months later, work insurance said I was done! That’s cool. But I don’t feel any better!

One day Sunny went to work and they had hired a new HR lady ! (The villain! 🤢) Villain asked Sunny into the office, and to meet her. The first words out of Villain’s mouth were “You either come back to work full time, or you’re fired!” Say what?? If Sunny was smart she would have left. See where I’m going with this? You guessed it, Sunny wasn’t smart. She stayed and suffered through a hellish eight hour work day. Day after day.

Meanwhile, Dr Bev diagnosed Sunny with Fibromyalgia and sent Her to Mary Free Bed. More therapy, job therapy, to learn how to work better, a new doctor, and therapist. Therapy was brutal. Sunny’s leg would go numb, and they made her walk fast on the treadmill anyway. So much hard work, with little strength. Sunny’s new doctor kept giving her sleeping pills. She didn’t want those, even though she needed sleep. They gave her nightmares.

Sunny’s therapist June was awesome. Sunny got to sit in a dark room and talk everything over. You see, Sunny didn’t have anyone to talk to. Her friends were abandoning her, because she couldn’t do everything for them, like they were used to. They didn’t understand what was happening to Sunny. Well, they didn’t try to understand either. June helped Sunny work through the pain. June taught Sunny how to focus on her breathing and hypnotize herself. That was the part of the visits Sunny loved the most. After a while June stated that the other doctors and nurses didn’t think She was doing her stretches. Even though Sunny was doing her stretches and everything she was told, things weren’t improving.

The only thing that did improve was Sunny’s attitude. June helped Sunny come to terms with what was going on, and learn how to deal with it better. Soon Sunny’s time at MFB ended. Still suffering everyday, Sunny soon learned what she could and couldn’t do, and how to somewhat manage her days. Sunny was able to get FMLA (which was supposed to protect her job while sick!). Work got harder and harder. Many days she had to stay home because she couldn’t move very well. Life was just too painful.

Fast forward a tad to February 2014. Sunny was going about her day working, doing the best she can. Villain came and asked to talk to her. Ok, this is a little weird, thought Sunny. BAM!! Villain fired Sunny! No reason, no nothing. Yes, I wanted to see you, because this is your last day, you’re done Sunny. Please leave. Said Villain. I’m sorry what? Asked Sunny. Why? Is this a joke? Nope, said Villain, clean out your locker and leave before I call the police! Long story short, Villain had worked there for about two years and had been trying to fire Sunny from day one. Finally she got one of the 3 owners to agree. Villain also waited until the one owner that could have stopped it, wasn’t there.

How upsetting, this situation made Sunny so upset and stressed, she spiraled into a big flare! That is full of pain and sickness! Luckily her x-bosses didn’t fight unemployment, and Sunny got a few months rest while looking for a job. She wasn’t bored at all. She loved the break from going to work in a very hateful place. She eventually got a retail job, and stayed there for a year. Sunny’s body didn’t like that job, weird hours that were all over the place, and the work was too hard.

August 2015, Sunny got a job very close to home. Which was amazing since she couldn’t see well driving in the dark. This job was so easy and had light duty work. Just the right kind of job. Sunny thought she could do that for a long time. Her illness had different plans.

Early 2016 Sunny began to get weaker and weaker! Her legs would go paralyzed. She couldn’t move them. Her pain levels shot to an eight! Ouch, that hurts! Cried Sunny. Literally cried, and cried! These episodes came and went! Bev sent sunny to a neurologist (Tay). Tay asked sunny a bunch of questions. Sunny tried to tell him everything. He wasn’t really listening. Tay told Sunny to try some sleeping pills. Wait, what!? I told you I may not be getting enough sleep, but that is not the problem. I have already tried those! Tay didn’t care, he just said try these, and I’ll see you again soon.

Sunny had to wait six months to see Dr Tay again. Mind you this is only her second visit. Tay told Sunny, “Since those didn’t work, let’s try therapy”. Oh no, demanded Sunny, I have been to therapy four different times, I have all the exercise papers, and still do them. It does not help, not wasting my time or money, please don’t make me do that! Ok, said Tay, then, well I guess I just don’t know why this is happening , call me if it gets worse. Umm, says Sunny, I wouldn’t come to you if it wasn’t bad!

Sunny was dismissed. She thought she just had to learn to live with it. She couldn’t figure out why this was happening or how to help it not happen.

August 2016 Sunny’s friend seen her post on Facebook and asked her to try an all natural product called Plexus. Skeptical Sunny tired it and was amazed! Wow, I can’t believe how much better I feel, cried Sunny. I have to continue. So Sunny jumped on the Plexus train. Her life got a little better. Her digestive issues were clearing up, her pain levels decreased. All in all everything was going well. Expect her heartburn. December 2016, Sunny had surgery to fix her hiatal hernia. Besides not being able to eat much. Sunny was feeling better! Then late January something happened! The pain in Sunny’s back kept getting worse. One day she woke up and couldn’t move her legs again.

Why does this keep happening? Cried Sunny, I was doing so good! I have not had any major problems in a while. Sunny only made it to work one day that week. When Sunny called in on Friday, she was told she had to figure something out, that she couldn’t keep calling in! Sunny cried. She thought they were understanding. Sunny did understand that they need people to show up and do the work. But they were working with her and her issues! Sunny was stressing about losing her job. Stress is not good for Sunny’s condition!

Frantically thinking of what she needs to do and setting up doctor appointments to go over options! Thinking that she may be able to go to work on Monday. Knowing that she is still in a lot of pain, and walking ok wouldn’t last long. But Sunny fears she may lose another job, due to this illness!

What will happen to Sunny?     Will she lose her job?   Will Dr. Bev figure out how to help her more?   Time will tell!

Sunny’s story isn’t done yet! Stay tuned…To be continued…