I wouldn’t have walked away!!

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I saw a quote that said. “Thank you for letting me go, because I wouldn’t have walked away”

There is so much truth to that, it’s almost unbelievable!    I think about the 10 years I spent with a horrible horrible evil workplace! Oh sure it started out good, but it went down hill fast!  They are a very small company and it wasn’t run right, not that I’m an expert on these things! The hate and evil in that place was real, so bad! The harder I tried to prove my worth, the worse it got!

I have a tendency to try to fix things and try to make people see that I am valuable even when they don’t deserve me! The hatred and disrespect in that place made me sick, literally sick! I have grown to despise the word “respect” as so many of them demanded it, but didn’t deserve it or earn it! I will forever stick with and say that “respect is earned, not given”.  I was taught to always respect my elders, and I do, because that is totally different than the respect in this situation!

I would literally cry and throw up driving to work each morning, but I was too scared to leave as starting over at a new job terrified me beyond belief! I was injured at this job, bad, and I haven’t been right since, horrible painful illness that I would not wish on anyone ever! I could feel everything getting worse! I could feel that this place was slowly killing me, yet I couldn’t walk away! I was too afraid!

When they hired a new HR person as the company grew they chose the wrong person! This person did so many wrong and more than likely illegal things, and I’m not the only one who noticed, but I won’t go into all that! She latched on to hating me from day one! I tried to make things better, but it just couldn’t happen! She would ask 1 of the bosses regularly if she could fire me yet! She’d been working on that since the first day I met her when she threatened to fire me because I couldn’t work a full day!

I suffered so much due to the illness and pain and sickness! One day she was out in the plant and I threw a cardboard piece into the box it goes in and she took it as I was throwing it her and she got her way and I was gone! I was so mad because I was let go when there was no reason for it, just that she didn’t like me! I promise and swear I am not embellishing any of her feelings towards me at all! I was scared of how I felt and having to start over!

It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was one the best things that happened, as I didn’t feel that I could walk away by myself! I will always dislike her, but only for the person she is and how she treats people and thinks that she can get away with it all! I remember I defended someone when she said things to them that weren’t right! She simply told me she could say and do whatever she wanted as she was in charge here and it was her way or the highway!

I will always be thankful for them kicking me to the curb as I later found a job where I was truly loved and appreciated! They valued me and my contribution to their company and worked with me to make the company even better! I put in a huge effort to learn more about the job and company and loved it there!

Sadly my health challenges got worse and I was forced to quit working! It still bothers me that I can’t work there, even though I know so much has change there since they sold the company and it probably wasn’t going to be as nice as I remember if I were able to go back!

I am thankful though that even though I can’t work I don’t have to deal with people out in the world! People are exhausting, confusing, horrible, mean and more…

The whole point to this is that you can be upset that someone or some company let you go, but just know that it was probably one of the best things that could happen to you! You may not have been able to walk away when you really needed to!

Stay classy, sassy & a bit smartassy friends!

P.S. If you like barbecue sauce & ranch dressing m try mixing them together, it tastes amazing!!!

Time alone

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I spend a lot of my time alone because alone is safe for me!

Alone is peaceful and relaxing!

Alone is a controlled environment!

I understand alone more than not alone!

I don’t feel anxious alone!

I don’t feel uncomfortable alone!

People are work and unpredictable!

Being alone is less stressful and risky!

Pain changes people! It makes you trust people less, overthink more, withdraw more and more self dependent!

It doesn’t make us weak and the battle we fight inside ourselves to be the best we can be and make it through the day, some people will just never understand!

New words needed….

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How are you??

Tired……

That’s always the answer! Tired! Not a good answer, because I’m so much more than tired, but it is the standard answer! Some people don’t really want to know, it’s just a thing you ask! Some people want to know, but they don’t want to know everything, just a simple answer.

It is a simple answer but it does not fully describe how I feel! There should be a better word to truly describe how I feel sometimes, but I can never think of one! I was at my checkup with my pcp and I used that word “tired” when she asked how I was really feeling when she said your depression score is higher than it has been, do we need to adjust your meds. I said I have been more tired that usually!

A few days later of course and I’m thinking that I hate the word tired. My brain wasn’t working correctly that day and all I could say was tired, it nobody will ever fully understand it all if I keep using that word! I should have said that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained! My body is weak and exhausted, my muscles are weak and sluggish, but when I get that drained, I can’t fully explain how I truly feel!

This is in no way a new feeling for me, just a flare up and it is never fun! It truly is awful to get up and need to rest after changing clothes and making a meal! It is awful how much energy you lose during these flares. Sadly I try to ignore it all because I won’t let myself actually take a day to rest!
I’ve been living with this crap for so many years and still have not gotten used to it or truly let myself take a break, not that I am pushing myself and doing a lot, but still.

It is just so much more than anything I can explain! I don’t think that I will ever fully understand any of this or why it is happening! Can’t get lost thinking of that though, that is a awful hole you don’t want to go down! Cover that hole up, do t want any part of it!

He worst part of all of this is that any test they run shows nothing! Nothing! And most doctors don’t truly believe me when I explain everything that happens, I just have to deal with it all and that exhausts me beyond belief!

So, yeah, a new word is needed to explain it all without explaining it all! That’s all I have, I’m drained!

P.S. Time spent with cats is never wasted!

Be proud…

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I am proud of myself because I’ve survived the days I thought I couldn’t!

If all you did was survive today, be proud, that’s good!

It takes a lot of energy to survive!

It takes a lot of energy to get through a day with a chronic illness!

It takes a lot of energy to fight everyday, just remember that each day you are here, you are winning!

It’s okay to be tired!

It’s okay to be tired of living this life, just don’t give up on yourself M

You are going to make it through this!

STAY ALIVE!

YOU’VE GO THIS!

Be proud of yourself for surviving each day!

Shouldn’t be this way….

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Nobody should have to love like this!

Nobody should have to be in so much pain!

Nobody should have to live with this much anxiety!

Nobody should have to live with this much fear!

Nobody should have to live with this much sickness!

Nobody should have to live with this much depression!

Nobody should have to live with mush hate!

Nobody should have to live with this much dizziness!

Nobody and I mean NOBODY should have to love like this!

Where did all of this come from?

Why does breathing have to hurt so much?

Why does it feel like you’ve been hit by a train when waking up?

Why does someone who is able to do anything one day and then the next day a small injury takes it all away?!

Why does this happen?

Why can’t doctors figure out a way to help?

Why can’t people recognize how much you suffer and get some assistance?

Why do some doctors lie in your medical charts just because they don’t understand or believe what is happening to you?

Why do some people who abuse the system get disability, but the ones who desperately need the help and are suffering not get it?

Why do people have to suffer?

Why do people get told that they are too disabled to work, but can’t get disability?

Why does life have to be this way?

Why does the medication that is supposed to help cause bad side effects that prevents you from being able to take it?

What does life have to be so difficult?

Why can’t people be able to be healthy and happy?

Why can medication help some people but not all people?

Why? Why? Why?

Nobody should have to!

What is one thing that all chronic illness sufferers want?  Answers to health issues and understanding!

Stop me if you’ve heard this before! I love stuffed animals!

They don’t understand….

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What is one thing that people really don’t understand about fibromyalgia???

The severity of the pain!! They don’t understand and sometimes don’t believe ot can actually hurt that much!

Today I wheeled my chair closer to my desk and lightly tapped my knee on the edge of my desk, you would have thought someone hit me with a hammer!  I almost cried!! No joke, and I barely touched it! The pain only lasted about a minute, but the pain was terrible!

Sadly that is a common the g with fibromyalgia! At times people can just rely their hand on my arm and my eyes will fill with tears! When they grab my arm so that I don’t fall, it sends sharp pain shooting through my body! It all hurts too much, way too much!

Not many people will understand that! They will look at you like you are crazy, saying “it can’t hurt that bad!” Oh, but it does! Everything hurts so much more when you have fibromyalgia and I  get that it is hard to believe! Iv’s are the worst, they really hurt! I’ve had nurses try to argue with me that it can’t possibly hurt, their argument is always “it’s doesn’t hurt, there is no needle left in your arm!” Sure no needle, but there is still something in my arm and it really hurts!

I have to stab myself every month with my migraine medication! It is real torture to hold that needle in my leg for 10 seconds while it injects the medication and with extreme pain in my leg! I mean the minute of bad pain is worth it as it helps me not get so many migraines , but dang it if you regret it during the injection!

Sometimes all you have to do is wake up and you feel like you were run over by a train! Yes, I know I can’t really know what that feels like but, seriously it is a major amount of serious pain here!

I hate this pain! I hate that people don’t want to or try to understand! I hate the place that caused  me to have all this pain! I hate that this pain has taken so very much from me!

I wish more people understood! I know that they don’t really have to understand, they can’t remember everything for everybody, but it would be nice if more actually did! I wish there was a way to ease the pain! I wish there was a way to get some part of my life back that it stole!

I didn’t ask for this life, but I will continue to do my best to live the life that chose me!

What do you wish more people understood??

P.S. Cats are my most favorite animals ever! They are so beyond wonderful!

Mental health….

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Talking about mental health is not attention seeking! People die in silence everyday due to this judgment and then people finally say “I wish they would have said something!”

We live in a society that stigmatizes mental health but mourns suicide!

The axe forgets, but the tree remembers!!

If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you would never look me in the eye again!

Mental health relapses happen! It doesn’t mean all your healing is thrown away! Accept what comes and remember allowing yourself to feel, even the uncomfortable things, is part of the process!

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm!

The heart gets confused when it’s constantly told “I love you” by the same people who destroy it!

It’s not an apology:

I’m sorry, but….

I love you…..

Just forget about it…..

You’re being too sensitive…

It’s not my fault you feel that way…..

I didn’t mean it that way….

I will apologize if….

I’m sorry that you….

Let’s just move on….

I don’t  know anyone else who would get upset over this…..

I only said that because you….

If you know someone with a mental illness who has stopped showing their struggle, don’t assume it’s because they’ve gotten better!

Sometimes the moment they atop showing it is the moment they’re really getting worse!!

Are you okay??

No, I’m not okay! I am depressed, my life is falling apart, I want to tell someone! I want someone to hug me and tell me honestly that everything is going to be okay! I want to tell someone everything that is hurting and bothering and/or happening to me….

Sure, it’s okay, I’m fine, thanks!

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time! It’s fear of failing but no desire to be productive! It’s wanting friends but not wanting to go out and socialize!

It’s caring about everything and nothing at the same time! It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely!

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can!!

Mental illness is not a personal failure!!

Your feelings are valid!!

You deserve to be loved unconditionally!!

You deserve to be happy!!

If all you did was wake up and survive today, you are doing great!

You are enough!!!

What did you do today to make yourself feel good????

I didn’t sign up for this…

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Me: Have you figured out what wrong with me?

Doctor: You have fibromyalgia!

Me: What the heck is that??

Doctor: We have no freaking clue!! Mostly pain, but also kind of like the flu! Oh, and bits of you will stop working for no reason! You will also have zero energy!

Me: Um… that doesn’t sound good!

Doctor: Oh, you’ll need plenty of rest, but won’t be able to sleep!

Me: Uhhhh…..

Me: Hmmm…..

Me: I didn’t sign up for this at any point in my life!!!

When words fail, music speaks!

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Sometimes no matter how good you feel a song comes on and speaks to you! Songs say a lot! Sometimes you like songs that people may think have some meaning in your life, but they don’t, you just really like the song!  

There are so many times when the song speak more than you ever could! Whether it is something from the past or present, it doesn’t matter, it just speaks to you! I used to have a friend that we used to send songs to each other to let them know what we were thinking, it was a fun thing we did! At times your mood and thoughts dictate what music you listen to! 

I sometimes get lost watching videos on social media, it happens! I found Conor Maynard by seeing his music mashups with various people! I took that time to check out his music and really liked it!  

Felt like sharing with you a song of his that I really like!! 

Maybe you don’t like talking too much about yourself 
But you shoulda told me that you were thinking ’bout someone else 
You’re drunk at a party or maybe it’s just that your car broke down 
Your phone’s been off for a couple of months, so you’re calling me now 

I know you, you’re like this 
When shit don’t go your way, you needed me to fix it 
And like me, I did 
But I ran out of every reason 

Now suddenly, you’re asking for it back 
And could you tell me, where’d you get the nerve? 
Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had 
But I don’t really care how bad it hurts 
When you broke me first 
You broke me first 

Took awhile, was in denial when I first heard 
That you moved on quicker than I could’ve ever, you know that hurt 
Swear for a while I would stare at my phone just to see your name 
But now that it’s there, I don’t really know what to say 

I know you, you’re like this 
When shit don’t go your way, you needed me to fix it 
And like me, I did 
But I ran out of every reason 

Now suddenly, you’re asking for it back 
And could you tell me, where’d you get the nerve? 
Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had 
But I don’t really care how bad it hurts 
When you broke me first 
You broke me first 

You broke me first
You broke me first

Do you have certain songs you always listen to during different thoughts??

What is your favorite type of music??

Writing to you…

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Writing is hard, I often thought ”could I write a book or blog”. My brain is often full of ideas as I am always trying to find things to do. I like to write things down as I can never remember anything.

I also like to write the stories I post here, it helps a lot when you need to say something about life but talking hurts why too much with a paralyzed vocal cord.

I don’t post everything I write out as sometimes it is only written to get it off my mind and I feel better. There are times where I am so annoyed with it all, that I Write it all out and then delete it in a few days.

I used to have a ton of ideas or words to write, but inspiration doesn’t hit as often anymore. Words are hard, for real! My brain is in a fog these days and I can’t remember the technical words or the right way  to word  things. I make a lot of spelling errors, and proofreading is not a strong skill with me.

I always say these days that as long as you can tell what I mean, it doesn’t matter if there are errors. Anything I write will never be great, but that is okay with me.

I have always wondered how all the writers in the world can make up everything they write and how do people not run out of ideas? But then I can create a whole alertnate world in my mind, but would never be able to put it into words. I listen to a lot of books and the authors go into so much detail, it is amazing! I get lost in my books and see them playing out in my mind. I often get sad when a book series ends as I am losing my friends that I loved to hear about. But, then I get the fun of getting to know other people and their worlds!

I do have a vivid imagination, as I writing this on my I-pad, in my mind I am in a cabin by the lake typing on a typewriter or in a tree house watching the sky and as I think or talk, the words get written down by themselves. It makes life more fun to have a great imagination, just don’t forget about the real world out there, lol!

I get confused by words sometimes. For example, the book will read “He hanged himself” and I would say “why can’t you write “He hung himself””? So many phrases and words confuse me and some people would think that I have never learned anything about the English language or writing even though I have, but brain fog and confusion has ruined all that.

A while back I had so many ideas written out and I posted them all too quickly and now the gaps in between inspiration gets longer and longer. It’s is not that I have to post often, but I don’t like huge time gaps in there for some reason. I think that is why I get burnt out and quit doing social media and things like that, because I convince myself that I have to do a certain amount of stuff with it all and it gets to be too much for me to deal with and then I just disappear for a while. Some things are gone forever at that point, and something I go back to occasionally.

I don’t really know if there was any purpose in writing this all to you, except to maybe say that I am not good at words, but It’s done and maybe you enjoyed it. In my mind I enjoyed writing to you and I slid the paper from the typewriter and threw it in the air and it soared away to you! Also the other side of my brain, I just walked this out to the mailboxes and mailed it to you! Anyway you want to look at it, it’s all good in my neighborhood!

Incase you didn’t notice a trend with these stories, I like to end with a question or two. So these are my questions, it is your turn to talk! I hope that wherever you are, that you are having a most excellent day!

Is there something like this that you enjoy? Do you tend to get too wrapped up in things that you get burnt out?

Do you ever type lol or a laughing emoji and not laugh? I do that a lot! I find whatever I see or read/hears funny, but you couldn’t tell by looking at me! Ha ha ha!

P.S. I love the chocolate!