I’m sorry for your pain

My dear friend,

I am so sorry for your pain.

Don’t worry; no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.

I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear. God, I remember the fear.

I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.

I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.

I know that the fear feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.

I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep learning curve. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.

You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what you want to be. Worse, you’ll think  that you don’t even know what you need be. You do. I promise. You will.

That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you. Hell, I am you.

You will find people in your life who get it and some that don’t. You’ll find some that want to get it and some that never will. You’ll find a closeness with people you never thought you had anything in common with. You’ll find comfort and relief with friends who speak your new language. You’ll find your village.

You’ll change. One day you’ll notice a shift. You’ll realize that certain words have dropped out of your lexicon. The ones you hadn’t ever thought could be hurtful.  Gimp, lazy, malingerer, stupid.   Never again. You won’t laugh at vulnerability. You’ll see the world through a lens of sensitivity. The people around you will notice. You’ll change them too.

You will learn to ask for help. You’ll have to. It won’t be easy. You’ll forget sometimes. Life will remind you.

You will read more than you can process. You’ll buy books that you can’t handle reading. You’ll feel guilty that they’re sitting by the side of the bed unopened. Take small bites. The information isn’t going anywhere. Let your heart heal. It will. Breathe. You can.

You will blame yourself. You’ll think you missed signs you should have seen. You’ll be convinced that you should have known. That you should have somehow gotten help earlier. You couldn’t have known. Don’t let yourself live there for long.

You will dig deep and find reserves of energy you never would have believed you had. You will run on adrenaline and crash into dreamless sleep. But you will come through it. I swear, you will. You will find a rhythm.

You will neglect yourself. You will suddenly realize that you haven’t stopped moving. You’ve taken care of everyone but you. You will forget how important it is to take care of yourself. Listen to me. If you hear nothing else, hear this. You MUST take care of yourself. You are no use to anyone unless you take care of yourself first. I mean that holistically, my friend. Nourished, rested, soul-fed. Your children and others deserve that example.

A friend will force you outside. You will look at the sky. Follow the clouds upward. Try to find where they end. You’ll need that. You’ll need the air. You’ll need to remember how small we all really are.

You will question your faith. Or find it. Maybe both.

You will never, ever take progress for granted. Every milestone met, no matter what the timing, will be cause for celebration. Every baby step will be a quantum leap. You will find the people who understand that. You will revel in their support and love and shared excitement.

You will encounter people who care for you in ways that restore your faith in humanity. You will cherish the friends and people and doctors who see past your challenges and who truly understand your strengths. They will feel like family.

You will examine and re-examine every one of your own insecurities. You will recognize some of other’s challenges as your own. You will get to know yourself. You will look to the tools you have used to mitigate your own challenges. You will share them. You will be better for it.

You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

If you are a parent, you will worry about your children. You will feel like you’re not giving them enough time. You will find the time. Yes, you will. No, really. You will. You will discover that the time that means something to them is not big. It’s not a trip to the circus. It doesn’t involve planning. It’s free. You will forget the dog and pony shows. Instead, you will find fifteen minutes before bed. You will close the door. You will sit on the floor. You’ll play Barbies with your daughter or Legos with your son. You’ll talk. You’ll listen. You’ll listen some more. You’ll start to believe they’ll be OK. And they will. You will be a better parent for all of it.

You will find the tools that you need. You will take bits and pieces of different theories and practices. You’ll talk to peers and doctors and therapists. You’ll take something from each of them. You’ll even find value in those you don’t agree with at all. Sometimes the most. From the scraps that you gather, you will start to build your quilt. A little of this, a little of that, a lot of love.

You will speak hesitantly at first, but you’ll find your voice. You will come to see that no one knows you better than you do. You will respectfully listen to the experts in each field. You will value their experience and their knowledge. But you will ultimately remember that while they are the experts in science, you are the expert in you.

You will think you can’t handle it. You will be wrong.

This is not an easy road, but its “rewards” at times are tremendous. The remissions, however small, are the very sweetest of life’s nectar. You will drink them in and taste and smell and feel every last drop of them.

You will be OK.

And I will be here for you. Every step of the way.

Why did you let it happen?

Why did you let that happen?

Why did you stay?

Why can’t you just ignore them?

Why didn’t you just leave?

Those questions are very commonly asked of people who let bad things happen to them and they don’t leave or do something about the situation they are in!

The answers is so very complicated, yet so simple at times! We don’t think that we deserve any better, or they are too scared! It’s not a good answer but it is the truth! The simple truth is that you will never understand unless you have dealt with it! It’s sad that in most cases people just won’t get it any other way!

Whether it is physical or emotional abuse, there is no need for it  yet it happens to people every day! How someone can just decide one day to be that cruel to someone is beyond me, I will never understand! 

Someone who so incredibly mad enough to hurt someone has some really huge issues! I am so against any form of abuse on any person or animal, especially someone who can not fight back!

But when you have to be subjected to so much of this kind of behavior and abuse you tend to keep going back for more because that is normal life!

People will say if it’s hurting you or bothering you, just walk away! Just turn off the computer! Just block them! Just ignore them! Just don’t answer the phone, just do this…

 It’s not that easy and unless you deal with it, you won’t know! You are scared that they might hurt you or someone you love if you don’t put up with it! These people threaten you enough that you think they may actually do something, and/or the prove that they will do something! So you are too scared to run! You are so used to this kind of life that if would be wrong to walk away! Sometimes they only get extremely mean when they have been drinking and when they are done with you and sober, they kiss up to you and put forth so much effort to make sure that you are going to be okay and not leave. You just so caught up in the love that you almost forget they way they were just previously acting! There are times when you know that you should get out and escape, but you get so scared of what might happen if you try. Sometimes you are so convinced that you are worthless and nobody else would want you that you have no reason to leave.

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. There are more ways to be in contact and get emotionally abused. Whether it be in person, over the phone, by text or online, heck it can even happen by mail! You can not just simply escape these people, it is not as easy as just ignoring them! They threaten to hurt you, your friends and your family! They are so convincing in their ways that you can’t just simply escape and you can’t always hide from these type of people! They always find a way to get to you! If by some miracle you do get away, they will always haunt you in your dreams or mind! You may forgive at some point, but you will never forget, and sadly it will follow you and most likely ruin future relationships.

Unfortunately there are cases where you seek help and nobody believes you. Some cases where the people you love and have know your whole life go and believe a total abusive stranger than you and they say it is your fault you are in that situation! Some cases where they all choose to ignore the signs until it is too late!

Not all situations have a bad ending, some do have good endings, but even then you are stuck with scars forever, both visible and non-visible!

I may have not explained and gotten my words down completely correct, but I believe you can get the picture of it and some explanation without going into a lot of details that it is never as easy as saying “leave the situation”. I so very much wish it were that simple!

Were you able to escape an abusive situation/relationship?


Do you know someone who has escape or wasn’t able to escape?

What do you do when the one you are supposed to run to for comfort and help is the one who makes you cry?

I just want you know…


You are braver than you believe!
You are stronger than you seem!
You are smarter than you think!

You are loved more than you know!

Keep fighting and never give up!

Don’t lose yourself!

Because you didn’t want to lose him, you lost yourself in the process!

 You became a woman who kept being mistreated and you formed a habit of saying “I’m used to it”.

You became a woman who kept being unappreciated and you began to tell yourself “It’s alright”!

You became a woman who kept being undervalued and you learned to say “I’m fine”!

You became a woman who kept being put last and you naturally reacted “eh, whatever”!

You became a woman who kept being taken for granted and you just dealt with it saying “it’s all good”!

You became a woman who was unhappy and told everyone “everything is good”!

___________________________________________________________

She forgave you for shit you would have hated her for!

Let that sink in!

___________________________________________________________

She thought he would change, but he didn’t!


He thought she wouldn’t leave, but she did!

___________________________________________________________

Nobody is worth your suffering and happiness!

There is nobody out there worth losing yourself over!

This isn’t or wasn’t your fault! It happened to you , not because of you!

Please don’t lose yourself!

Fight for you, you deserve better!

You are beautiful and you are worth it!

If you don’t live it, you don’t fully understand!

Ahhh, it’s always such a joy to sit there and listen to medical professionals go on a preach what they think is best for you when they don’t know you or your history, limitations, or what your body and illness is like!

There isn’t one thing that works for all of those that suffer with a chronic illness like fibromyalgia. There are many different medications out there to “try” and treat it, emphasis on “try”.  Some of these medications do help some people, but they don’t help everyone. I, for example have tried so many of them with no relief, not even a little, or they had too many bad side effects. 

Now I have a whole list of things that happen to me with this illness, but I’m not totally convinced it is just from one illness. Getting doctors to actually listen and do something is beyond difficult. They all have a few certain things they will do, and won’t do anything else. They are all set in their ways, and don’t try telling them to do something different. Yes, I know that I am not a doctor, but I do know my body best. They don’t fully know what this crap feels like, or what it does to our bodies outside of what we tell them.

One of the set in ways of the doctors is exercise. Now I’m on board that everyone needs some sort of exercise, we need to move, but that’s not always possible for those with a chronic illness. Me, for example am one that exercise makes things so much worse, and I’m not talking about being tired or a little sore because you are using muscles that haven’t been used. I am talking about literally needing to be carried around, and not being able to move because of the pain. Laying in bed for two days because you are tried to exercise for 30 minutes. I am in no way a lazy person and I don’t want to lay or sit around all day, and most days I don’t. I’m not up running or walking a marathon, but I’m moving the best that I can or working at my desk. 

Now my experiences may not be the same as a lot of peoples experiences. I can not walk or stand for long, long being 10-15 minutes, before my legs get very weak and I get lightheaded and feel like I will pass out. On top off that my ankle, which is permanently swollen, becomes so painful and spreads up to my knee. So walking, running, standing isn’t always a good option for me. 

What are the suggestions or recommendations from the medical professionals? Exercise! The same old preaching. Inactivity is your enemy, you need to exercise even if it just walking on the treadmill 10 minutes a day. The problem with that is the treadmill is very different than plain walking, I walk like a limping penguin. Treadmills force you to walk and in a certain pace and style of walking, where plain normal walking you can pick your pace and style to walk.

They don’t accept that as a reason not to do it, they look at you as if you are making excuses not to do this. With the chronically ill these aren’t excuses, they are limitations in our lives. 

Here is an example of a conversation I had with a medical professional:

MP: inactivity is your enemy, you need to exercise. I want you to try to walk on the treadmill at least 5-10 minutes a day.

Me: That’s nice and for a lot of people that would be easy, but for me and a lot of others, that’s not possible as exercise makes are condition so much worse.

MP: you have to do something, you can’t be inactive and sit all day.

ME: I don’t sit all day, I walk around the house when I can, and work at my desk when I can. I’m not lazy, I do have days where I can’t do anything, but I do move around.

MP: well do you ever go to the store? Get out anywhere?

ME: Yes

MP: Then you have to walk, how long does this shopping trip last?

ME: It varies. Sometimes 30 minutes, sometimes a little more.

MP: So then you can walk! You shouldn’t have any issues.

ME: Yes, I can walk, but then again you are assuming that these trips to the store are easy. Sometimes just walking from the car to the store and my legs are done. I have to be holding on to the cart at all times in order to walk. Sometimes I’m leaning on the cart and resting. Sometimes I have to sit for a bit. And practically every time I am almost falling down, so weak and nauseous, and crying because my legs can’t handle the shopping trip. But yes I make it through because I have no choice but to do it. 

MP: uhhh.

They don’t like it when I prove that their methods are always the best. Most think that with a 2-5 minutes rest that you will be able to go for hours again! Sadly that is not how it works, especially for me! Resting makes it possible to keep going, but the amount of time you go keeps getting shorter and the more you push yourself the worse it gets! Sooner than later my body will refuse to go anymore and you don’t want to encounter that away from home! Now a car ride around does help you rest but not all the time, because you aren’t fully able to relax as it not extremely comfortable in the car! Once my body has enough and it gets weak enough it will literally shut down as in I will not be able to move my legs as if they are paralyzed, it happens way too often! That’s all a different story in another post!

You see with chronically ill people, we need to plan out everything. For example if I were to go and walk on the treadmill, I have to take in account for the flight down and back up the stairs, plus the time I spend walking. Now the flight up and down the stairs are enough torment for my legs that I won’t last hardly any time on the treadmill. We have to take into account where we are going. How long it takes to get there. The time we spend walking and standing. Add in the energy it takes to talk, lift things if needed, ect. We have a limited amount of energy for the day, so everything has to be calculated out precisely. There is always going to be someone who thinks that they know what is best for you and what you can or can not do! Sadly a lot of these people are chronically ill, I have lost count of how many times I have seen people yelling at others with the same illness that if they can do it, then you can do it! I am in no way saying that these medical professionals don’t know anything about the illnesses, they for sure study about it. What I am saying is that they really need to adjust their way thinking to match the patient! Everybody is different and not certain thing works for every person!

I’ve been told before that I am not doing things because of what I think or am afraid will happen.  Which is so far from true. I have learned a lot about my body & health challenges and know what my body can handle. It took me a very long time to accept all this and learn to pace myself and such! I have learn as we all have what our bodies can and can not do with these challenges. We all know our bodies the best as we are living with this every day!

So many people claim to know somebody that has this horrid illness and to know a lot about it and for sure some people do as there are millions of people out there suffering! Sadly some only claim to know and they don’t really care to learn anything or try to understand. I do understand that some chronic illnesses are very hard to understand, heck I don’t fully understand it all and I am living it!

What people don’t seem to understand is that even though we aren’t physically working or doing something, it’s still hard on our bodies! Social engagements, even if it only requires sitting on a chair or couch, it is a lot of work! The ride there, or if they come to our house and the time sitting and talking and focusing on everyone! It is a lot of tiring work to sit there and socialize, I’m not even sure if I could explain right how much of a toll it takes on our bodies! It physically drains our energy even if we are relaxed and comfortable!

I wish there was a better way to help everyone understand everything someone who is chronically ill goes through! It is even harder to explain when that illness is mostly invisible, so invisible that tests and such don’t show anything wrong, yet there is something very wrong!Maybe, just maybe we will someday figure out how to explain it all and even get some much need help and relief! Until then stay strong and pace yourself! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being chronically ill! You didn’t choose the chronic illness life, it chose you!

Happy place is still missing…

Back in November 2017 I lost my happy place! It was so peaceful there and I would instantly relax when I went there. This place was & wasn’t a real place! It was real as in it truly existed and I could see it when I looked out my window, and wasn’t real as a different version of it existed only in  my mind and when I was having a bad day, I could just teleport there and relax!

Sadly one day it went away! My first happy place (also mentioned in “My happy Place” blog from Nov 2,17) was a pond and I floated around in it dragging my hand over the water and it was just so peaceful. One day while I was floating around a huge shark flew out of the water and ate me! I couldn’t get back there. It is still a beautiful view and peaceful place in real life, but no longer in my escape world! 

I found a new place, this time by a lake. I would sit under the tree reading a book and enjoying the beautiful view. Sadly one day a bomb fell on me and bam happy place 2 was gone!

You probably think that this is just a repeat of the November 2 blog, but I assure you it is not. I found a new happy place, I was so happy and even though I have a huge fear of falling, this happy place was in a huge tree house high above everything. I could just sit there with my cats and watch the world. They didn’t know that I was up there and that was great! I’d just relax and watch all the people! Ahhh, it was fun while it lasted anyway, as I have lost that place as well, but this time I have no idea how! One day I tried to go there and I couldn’t find it, and I have no idea where it went! No note or forwarding address, just gone, it just simply vanished!

Once again I am searching for a new happy place and all I see is myself wandering around in the woods never being able to find my way out! Now I am not stressing that I can’t find a new happy place, but curious if it will ever come back! Have you seen it?  No, I’m not offering any finders rewards, just give it a note saying I miss it and send it back my way!

Hmmm, the more I think about it, it is rather peaceful walking around in these woods, maybe what I have been searching for all this time was the place that I am walking around in! It could very well be, but let’s keep that a secret between you and me as I don’t want to let the woods know and have something happen to this place!

I promise this wasn’t a trick to tell you that what you are looking for may be right in front of you this whole time, but hey if it turns out to be true, then that is wonderful!

I’m off to enjoy me walk, but don’t let the trees know!

Sometimes, I wish…

Sometimes I wish….

This is the area where I would normally write everything that goes along with I wish!

I wish I could….
I wish I could say….
I wish you’d listen…
I wish I would have said…
I wish I was heard….
I wish…..
I wish…..

I could go on and on , but let’s be a bit honest here it doesn’t matter much! It won’t change anything, ever. Nobody wants to hear it!

So instead I’ll just say I wish….