New words needed….

How are you??

Tired……

That’s always the answer! Tired! Not a good answer, because I’m so much more than tired, but it is the standard answer! Some people don’t really want to know, it’s just a thing you ask! Some people want to know, but they don’t want to know everything, just a simple answer.

It is a simple answer but it does not fully describe how I feel! There should be a better word to truly describe how I feel sometimes, but I can never think of one! I was at my checkup with my pcp and I used that word “tired” when she asked how I was really feeling when she said your depression score is higher than it has been, do we need to adjust your meds. I said I have been more tired that usually!

A few days later of course and I’m thinking that I hate the word tired. My brain wasn’t working correctly that day and all I could say was tired, it nobody will ever fully understand it all if I keep using that word! I should have said that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained! My body is weak and exhausted, my muscles are weak and sluggish, but when I get that drained, I can’t fully explain how I truly feel!

This is in no way a new feeling for me, just a flare up and it is never fun! It truly is awful to get up and need to rest after changing clothes and making a meal! It is awful how much energy you lose during these flares. Sadly I try to ignore it all because I won’t let myself actually take a day to rest!
I’ve been living with this crap for so many years and still have not gotten used to it or truly let myself take a break, not that I am pushing myself and doing a lot, but still.

It is just so much more than anything I can explain! I don’t think that I will ever fully understand any of this or why it is happening! Can’t get lost thinking of that though, that is a awful hole you don’t want to go down! Cover that hole up, do t want any part of it!

He worst part of all of this is that any test they run shows nothing! Nothing! And most doctors don’t truly believe me when I explain everything that happens, I just have to deal with it all and that exhausts me beyond belief!

So, yeah, a new word is needed to explain it all without explaining it all! That’s all I have, I’m drained!

P.S. Time spent with cats is never wasted!

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Shouldn’t be this way….

Nobody should have to love like this!

Nobody should have to be in so much pain!

Nobody should have to live with this much anxiety!

Nobody should have to live with this much fear!

Nobody should have to live with this much sickness!

Nobody should have to live with this much depression!

Nobody should have to live with mush hate!

Nobody should have to live with this much dizziness!

Nobody and I mean NOBODY should have to love like this!

Where did all of this come from?

Why does breathing have to hurt so much?

Why does it feel like you’ve been hit by a train when waking up?

Why does someone who is able to do anything one day and then the next day a small injury takes it all away?!

Why does this happen?

Why can’t doctors figure out a way to help?

Why can’t people recognize how much you suffer and get some assistance?

Why do some doctors lie in your medical charts just because they don’t understand or believe what is happening to you?

Why do some people who abuse the system get disability, but the ones who desperately need the help and are suffering not get it?

Why do people have to suffer?

Why do people get told that they are too disabled to work, but can’t get disability?

Why does life have to be this way?

Why does the medication that is supposed to help cause bad side effects that prevents you from being able to take it?

What does life have to be so difficult?

Why can’t people be able to be healthy and happy?

Why can medication help some people but not all people?

Why? Why? Why?

Nobody should have to!

What is one thing that all chronic illness sufferers want?  Answers to health issues and understanding!

Stop me if you’ve heard this before! I love stuffed animals!

Nobody knows…

These four walls closing more everyday and I’m dying inside and nobody knows it but me…

The pain is real even if nobody knows and I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me…

I’m missing me and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody knows the pain that I feel!

The nights are long and the days are so sad, and nobody knows it but me…

Nobody will ever know the true feelings inside my head. They will never know the pain and torture living in my head. I wish I didn’t know about it either. Living with an invisible chronic illness doesn’t help things at all. It is a very hard life and I don’t wish it on anyone!

You try and get out of your head, but it is just so very very hard to do! Creating and craftiness helps distract me from it all. Listening to books and music is also very helpful, but at some point it all catches up with you and knocks you down.

We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about all of this. I say embrace it, let it out, scream, cry, break things if needed! Visiting these feelings and letting them out can be very good for you. It is okay to not be okay, let yourself deal with it. It is okay to visit and deal with it, just don’t unpack and live there. You need to find a way to deal with it all, find something that helps make you happy.

Never apologize for feeling hurt and sad, it is all part of being human. Never apologize for being you, for being real, it’s like apologizing for being human and that isn’t cool or necessary!

People hate for no reason and it’s becoming too easy and normal to do! I say let’s love for no reason! Less hate & more love!

You are beautiful, worth it, amazing and someone is happy just knowing that you exist! When you’re out doing life things, take the time to smile, wave or even say hi to someone, you never know it could just be the reason that they keep going in this life we live!

Nobody knows the horror that is in our heads, but maybe, just maybe it is time that people learn what is like, then possibly we could all learn to deal with it and help each other out and be a little bit happier!

Missing…

You find a stack of “missing person” clipping under your parents bed, all with your picture in them!

Three weeks ago I woke up to a call, stating my parents had been killed in a car accident! This is something nobody wants to go through. It’s been a difficult time, and I couldn’t bring myself to go into their house until now! But being the only child, I guess I have to take care of this at some point. 

I started by just walking around, looking at everything. Remembering all the time spent there growing up. I start to go through a closet in their bedroom. While moving things, a box fell on the floor and landed under their bed. What I saw inside, shocked me to the core. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There in the box were hundreds of missing person clippings, all with my face on them.

I didn’t really know what to think. How could this be? Why, where, what?  This has to be a joke. This can’t be real! Who are my parents? Mom & Dad aren’t here to explain this, I’ve only ever known them as my mom and dad.  Where did I come from? Are my real parents still alive and searching for me? Do I have any brothers and sisters? This can not be real, but why would someone joke about this? What else are they hiding? Where do I even begin? Who else knows about this?

Uuugggh, why!?

With my head spinning from this discovery and looking at all the news articles spread around me, I contemplate my next move in figuring out the truth!

What would you do or say if you found this box?

Transported by books

I love reading and getting lost in the books. My reading time kept seeming to get shorter and shorter, so I started buying audiobooks. It was so much fun to go to thrift stores and find really cheap audiobooks, transfer them to my computer and put them on my iPod. I ended up with quite a collection of books! Even though I had them all saved on my computer I just couldn’t part with the cds, so they were stored in my closet. I did eventually end up selling the all on ebay!

One day when I got the last job I had I learned that I could listen to my iPod and/or phone while working! I then learned of audiobook apps and signed up for a membership and started buying books, but I really didn’t want to spend that much on audiobooks I may never listen to again since there are millions of books to listen to! I discovered that I could use my library card and borrow audiobooks through an app. Wow, where have I been hiding? It was awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to books while I worked. No it never distracted me from what I was supposed to do and I set a rule that I could never wear both earbuds at the same time, you know, safety first and I had to hear if someone needed me for something!

As you may know in 2017 my health challenges forced me to stop working, thankfully I have rediscovered my love for crafting and even opened an Etsy shop. I still continue to listen to books and I love getting lost in them. It is amazing how I will literally be transported into the story and it’s like I am watching it all play out in front of me! I love book series and as I get to know the people in the books, they become my friends, but then I kind of get sad when they leave as the series end!

I do not like romance in books or swearing, just clean fun mystery books. I discovered a Cozy mystery book site. This site is full of thousands of good clean books! I got so sucked into books related to the Amish lifestyle. I am fascinated with the Amish lifestyle (it sounds weird to say it like that, like it could be offensive, but nah, I just think to much!) The simplicity of the lifestyle and everything, I just love being transported there. Now I know that even though these authors do a lot of research about Amish living, everything in these books aren’t true to life, but it’s still amazing. I will tell you I could never give up my English lifestyle, especially my audiobooks and craftiness, computer and Alexa (I love Alexa, she’s how I hear my books & she is so smart too)! Maybe it is partly because I am fascinated by all humans, I like to study them and see how they live and why they do the things they do! We all do things differently and I love to just watch and learn and understand everyone! I am so content just watching and studying people! All humans simply fascinate me!

I will admit I hate that my library has set a very small limit on the books that I can borrow. Only 5 a month, what kind of craziness is that anyway, but I have found ways around that. You see with 3 different library apps that makes 15 a month. Now add in 10 more borrows as the one app gives you 2 partner libraries so that brings the total up to 25 borrows, you’d think that those would be enough, but nope as there is one app that has a much better selection than the others even though you are using the same library in each app, they are all different! How do you fix that? It is so easy, just use a friend or families library card! I have access to 2 other library cards, so that brings up my total borrows to 75!

Seriously, that is a lot of borrows and no I can not use them all in one month, but I sure do try. And then add in the fact that if you have Amazon Prime you can borrow as many prime books as you want and Alexa will read them to you! There were a few months that I didn’t/couldn’t listen to as many books as I would like to, but so far this year (2020) I have listened to 111 books and still have the rest of November  & December to go!

How do I keep track of what I have listened to and want to listen to you ask, okay maybe you didn’t, but I’m going to tell you anyway! One way is Goodreads, it sure is a great app/website that helps you track all you books and you can follow your friends to see what they’re reading and find new books! If you don’t know, I love organization and am constantly organizing and re-organizing! I went as far as to make myself a book binder and I printed out all the books I want to read so far and as I mentioned you can find a ton on cozymystery.com! Then I just put an “X” by the books I have read and I have a 2nd way to keep track of all my books. They are separated all out by type of book and author! I can never remember what I want to read, so this makes the whole process so simple! I love making binders (especially 1/2 binders (5 1/2 X 8 size) for everything and of course bigger sized binders when needed, I guess they can’t all be small & cute! If you haven’t guessed already I love tiny things! I just got a tiny Jumanji game, it’s keychain size and it is so cute!

Do you like to get lost in books? It sure is fun to use your imagination to bring all the characters alive!

Happy place is still missing…

Back in November 2017 I lost my happy place! It was so peaceful there and I would instantly relax when I went there. This place was & wasn’t a real place! It was real as in it truly existed and I could see it when I looked out my window, and wasn’t real as a different version of it existed only in  my mind and when I was having a bad day, I could just teleport there and relax!

Sadly one day it went away! My first happy place (also mentioned in “My happy Place” blog from Nov 2,17) was a pond and I floated around in it dragging my hand over the water and it was just so peaceful. One day while I was floating around a huge shark flew out of the water and ate me! I couldn’t get back there. It is still a beautiful view and peaceful place in real life, but no longer in my escape world! 

I found a new place, this time by a lake. I would sit under the tree reading a book and enjoying the beautiful view. Sadly one day a bomb fell on me and bam happy place 2 was gone!

You probably think that this is just a repeat of the November 2 blog, but I assure you it is not. I found a new happy place, I was so happy and even though I have a huge fear of falling, this happy place was in a huge tree house high above everything. I could just sit there with my cats and watch the world. They didn’t know that I was up there and that was great! I’d just relax and watch all the people! Ahhh, it was fun while it lasted anyway, as I have lost that place as well, but this time I have no idea how! One day I tried to go there and I couldn’t find it, and I have no idea where it went! No note or forwarding address, just gone, it just simply vanished!

Once again I am searching for a new happy place and all I see is myself wandering around in the woods never being able to find my way out! Now I am not stressing that I can’t find a new happy place, but curious if it will ever come back! Have you seen it?  No, I’m not offering any finders rewards, just give it a note saying I miss it and send it back my way!

Hmmm, the more I think about it, it is rather peaceful walking around in these woods, maybe what I have been searching for all this time was the place that I am walking around in! It could very well be, but let’s keep that a secret between you and me as I don’t want to let the woods know and have something happen to this place!

I promise this wasn’t a trick to tell you that what you are looking for may be right in front of you this whole time, but hey if it turns out to be true, then that is wonderful!

I’m off to enjoy me walk, but don’t let the trees know!